4 Simple And Easy Tips To Help Your Kids Notice What Their Mind Is Doing
What happens when our kids have too much on their minds? They can't sleep. They feel worried or anxious and don't know why. The day is going along just fine until your kid has a sudden outburst of anger that seemingly came from nowhere.
We have a saying at my house: The thing is not the thing. It means there is usually more buried underneath the outward expression of emotion.
As parents, some days can feel like all we do is spend time playing defense, fending off one emotional attack after another. The effect of which drains our own emotional storehouses. We then resort to punishments and consequences to control them and enforce behavior modification while never really getting to the "thing behind the thing."
But what if you could give your kids a higher degree of emotional IQ at an earlier age? What if you could help them sort through their feelings faster and get them in touch with their own bodies and minds sooner? You can. Using some simple ideas from mindfulness, you help your kids navigate their feelings more successfully. Just think, fewer late nights desperately trying to understand the unexplained and sudden worry. More tempered and calculated reactions to random outbursts of anger. And happier kids because they simply understand themselves better.
The practice of mindfulness with our kids helps them understand two things. First, the thing is not the thing. And second, to be aware of their feelings enough to sort through them to discover what the thing is. And it begins with simply noticing what our minds are doing.
1. Practice Some Breathing Exercises
I learned many years ago, in my days as a high school athlete, the idea of breathing as a means of relaxing, taking better control over your mind so, as an athlete, you could perform at a higher level.
It's something I have passed on to my kids without realizing it. Some nights they can't sleep, feel overly anxious, or are dealing with unknown worries. These can be hard on a young mind. They have feelings they sometimes don't understand what they are or how to navigate them. While you might want a quick and easy solution, sometimes the best way forward is by taking it slow.
We have our kids take a series of 10 breaths. One set is a deep breath, holding it, then exhaling. The second is a deep breath and immediately exhaling. The final series is a normal inhale and exhale. Each exhale is slow, steady, and controlled. It relaxes them, creates more mental awareness, calms their mind, and helps them fall asleep. In fact, they never make it to the final series of breaths before they fall asleep.
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2. Practice Noticing What's Around You
Life is busy—packed with school, homework, activities, and family obligations. So busy, in fact, it's easy to get ourselves set on autopilot long enough to end our days stumbling to the bed exhausted from the day's events—only to get up the next day to do it all over again. Such a pace makes it easy to move through life with blinders on—never stopping to notice the world around you. However, the practice of mindfulness uses the idea of taking in the world around you to help you capture a better sense of self-awareness.
We often pass this tunnel vision mode on to our kids much too early. So here's the plan: Next time you're out with the kids, set the day's mission aside for a moment and stop. It could be on a walk outside, in a store, at church—literally anywhere. Ask them what they notice. What is around them? What do they hear, see, or smell? Help them to engage their senses and talk you through them.
A practice like this does a couple of things. First, it helps develop a healthy mental health habit of just stopping, resting, and noticing things. It allows our minds to catch up and breathe for a moment. Second, it lets us in on the conversation our brain has with the rest of our bodies. Those two are always talking, but you will likely miss out on some critical information if you're too busy to notice.
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3. Give Them Time And Space To Explore And Discover.
Super-sized emotions, unforeseen mental distress, and even moments of melancholy in our kids can leave us wondering if they are all right. Every spring, my nine-year-old daughter experiences a rough bought of seasonal allergies. A few days ago, as the weather was warming up, she began to express severe outbursts of anger. Enough that it took the entire family by surprise.
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As a father, I tend to oscillate between the stern command to stop the behavior immediately and the perpetual need to solve the problem for her. However, history has shown that neither tactic works. What does work is giving her the time and space to process the emotion. Because for our kids, when they are in the throws of extreme emotion, they lack the mental capacity to quickly and properly diagnose their own issues. Even if we know the reason, they aren't generally ready to listen (or able, for that matter). But permitting your kids the time and space for navigating through the moment can have lasting and positive effects. The time and space to process helped her realize she was angry with her allergies.
4. Take A Walk And Let Them Lead.
When I was a kid, I loved to explore what I thought were unknown areas of my neighborhood. My parents would often take us on a walk to the local ice cream shop. It was a walk of two miles or more. My brother and I would usually ride our bikes while my parents walked. We would zig-zag through the streets, buildings, and alleyways—looking for new things, new routes, and new discoveries. My parents always knew where we were headed, but they allowed my brother and me to lead the way and discover new and exciting things.
When we allow our kids to lead sometimes, we enable them to discover, learn, process what's around them, gain confidence, and use all their senses. If they lead you on a detour, take it. Celebrate what they discover, and help them see that the world is so much bigger and better than they see on a normal day.
I remember coming home from getting ice cream more than just happy about the ice cream. I had a sense of peace and accomplishment. To this day, I remember the journey more than I remember the prize on the other side.
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What's The End Result?
I am convinced that my parents had an easier job raising me compared to my parenting peers and me. The world is drastically different, the challenges are more frequent, and the obstacles stand taller. And it seems the assault on our kids' mental health is increasing in intensity. All the more reason to be aware and help our kids better understand their own minds, their emotional well-being, and how their environment affects them. Using some of the basic strategies of mindfulness with our kids can make our lives and theirs just a bit easier and give them the tools they need to begin to build a solid foundation of mental wellness.
