5 Ways to Have a Meaningful Conversation. Or What We Call Friending Up
People ask me all the time what we do at RemedyLIVE. Yes, we are in the mental health business. Yes, we staff a 24/7 chat center, host events, teach people about the importance of mental health and work to reduce the stigma around mental illness. But simply put, we are in the business of meaningful conversations.
What are those?
A meaningful conversation is one where bridges are built, barriers are removed, and people feel safe to share their secret struggles and pursue the help they need. A meaningful conversation is a place where we begin to find hope.
So how can we make that happen?
Let them know you are willing to talk about anything.
Listening is a lost art in our modern, fast-paced western world. We don’t always like to admit it, but most people would rather talk about themselves than listen to another person. We don’t mean to. It’s not an intentional act of selfishness. Active listening is just so much harder than endlessly talking.
Take a moment to recall your last conversation and put yourself back in that place and time. I am sure you remember who you spoke with, but do you remember the details of that talk? Do you remember what the other person spoke about? How many specific details can you accurately recall? Chances are unless you are hardwired as a highly empathetic person, you are struggling with the details.
Don’t worry; you’re not alone.
The first and perhaps the most crucial piece of helping another person in their mental health struggles is listening—just being there to offer nothing more than an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or even a punching bag if necessary. The goal here is listening. Not adding thoughts, suggestions, talking about yourself and experiences, or trying to solve the problem. Just listen. This will let the other person know you really care, want to help, and can be trusted.
Dial in. Don’t demean, devalue, or dismiss.
This second step stems from the first. It takes listening to a new level. Now that you have focused your attention on the other person and their struggles, it’s important to remember that a person’s struggle is theirs. No matter how big or small you believe, it to be. It’s big to them. Respect that.
We often do it with good intentions and even out of love, but in the end, it’s not helpful. We demean, devalue, or dismiss another person’s problems. As I said, we are not intentionally being rude. We just want to help. Perhaps we want people to see that their problems are small and not worth worrying about in the grand scheme of things. But what we believe are good intentions, in the end, prove to be more detrimental than we realize.
Sometimes, our version of encouragement sends a message that we are less concerned for the person and more concerned with our world returning to the status quo. In other words, the other person begins to feel like a burden. So when you listen, treat their struggles as earth-shattering. Because to them, they are.
Ask lots of questions about how they are feeling and why.
OK, so now that you have proved yourself to be the world’s greatest listener and the other person is confiding in you, what happens when they have finally finished talking, and there is a break in the conversation? Are you all done? Did you do everything you needed to? Wait. The conversation is just getting started.
It’s time to ask questions.
Unfortunately, that’s not always what happens. Instead, we offer our opinions or advice. We want to play the role of the hero, have all the answers, and solve the world’s problems. Or at least the problems of our loved ones. That leads us to offer unsolicited advice when they just need us to continue listening. And the way to do that is to ask more questions.
Ask how they feel about talking to a professional.
Since most of us are not mental health professionals, we likely will not have much in the way of answers. We won’t necessarily have all the answers, the strategies, or wise counsel. So what’s next? What happens after the conversation has exhausted itself and you sense a clear need for the next steps?
Don’t tell them they need professional help. I am sure you can imagine how that is going to sound. People have different thoughts, feelings, and perceptions about what it means to speak with a professional. They may wonder what kind of message that is going to send. What does that say about them, their family, and even their ability to be successful?
So, instead, ask them how they feel about it. And again, listen to their answer. Don’t try and convince; plant the thought in their minds.
Pray with them
Finally, pray. This one is easy. There is power in prayer. No, it doesn’t compel God to do something, convince God to act on something he didn’t intend to, or tell God something he didn’t already know. Prayer is about relationships. It helps the other person connect with the presence and peace of God. Still, it also helps us to empathize and have compassion for others allowing us to be used by God in that person’s life.
