How Are They Doing…Really? How To Help Your Kids Navigate Their Mental Health
A few nights ago, one of our daughters complained that she didn’t feel good. My wife quickly jumped up and began her standard series of questions so, by process of elimination, could determine the best course of action.
“What doesn’t feel good?”
“Where does it hurt”?
“Do you think you’re going to be sick?”
“Did you eat something you weren’t supposed to?”
After all of her investigative research, we still didn’t have any clear answer as to why our daughter just didn’t feel good.
A Different Kind of Sick
She wasn’t sick at all. At least not physically. But there was something else going on. All the time we spent attempting to diagnose her, we neglected to simply talk to her. We failed to consider if there was something else wrong. Because there was. It was her mind that didn’t feel good.
We learned that she had been dealing with a bully for several weeks, and it created a feeling she hadn’t experienced. She didn’t quite know what it was, why it was there, or how to deal with it. She was nearly sick with anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, and confusion.
All of those emotions with no idea how to communicate or express them.
Our kids may know they are sad, angry, frightened, filled with anxiety, or overwhelmed, but they may not always know why or how to express the feeling properly. Yet as adults, we often expect kids to be just as in tune with their feelings as we are. We forget their brain development isn’t always ready for such an assessment.
Mental Health Is Important Earlier Than You Might Think
Usually, when we talk about mental health and young people, we talk about teens. After all, the teen brain can be a dangerous minefield—one wrong step can result in disaster. We know they are dealing with identity, independence, temptations, higher levels of education, relationships, and all of it with a still-developing prefrontal cortex. In other words, our teens are being asked to make decisions they often are not ready to make yet. However, the importance of good mental health doesn’t somehow magically begin with the teen years. In fact, it happens so much earlier.
It was a much-needed reminder for my wife and me that we cannot read our kids’ minds. This is why no matter the cost to us as adults, we absolutely must allow our kids the safe space to productively and adequately share and express their feelings. It’s not just our abilities as teachers, parents, and pastors to mentor and train our children. It’s our availability to listen, encourage, and remind them they matter and have incredible value.
Persistence, Patience, Presence.
The earlier our brains understand how to deal with feelings with a safe space to express and unpack, the healthier our brains will remain.
Understanding How Are They Really Doing?
Everything our kids take in through their senses begins to form their minds from the minute they are born. Every bit of data becoming yottabytes of information over a lifetime is recorded, processed, interpreted, and stored. So, every encouraging word, every hug, and every “I love you” teaches our kids they matter, are loved, and valued. It teaches them there is a safe person and place they can run to help sort out the hard stuff of life when it comes. But in the same way, every harsh word, every experienced trauma, and time they become an inconvenience further solidifies the lies that feed mental illness. Therefore, our kids’ path to mental wellness begins with our persistence, patience, and presence.
Be Persistent. Remind kids a lot that they are valued and matter. This might sound simple and obvious. But just think about how many times--whether in a park, a store, perhaps in your own family--the perception that a child is an inconvenience? We get upset with them when their disobedience disrupts our plans. Or their misunderstood emotions put a damper on the day. Now, let’s be honest: you know these moments if you’re a parent. Even if you’re not, someone somewhere might have made you feel this way—an inconvenience, like you don’t matter much. But even the slightest hint from the adult world that they somehow don’t matter allows their brain to begin to form around that thought. And while we loudly and rightly affirm to the contrary, our children could start to believe the lie as truth.
Be patient. Give kids the space and time to properly express what they are feeling. But isn’t it always at the worst time? Your kids are fine all day long, but the minute it’s time for bed, and you are ready to sit down, relax, and enjoy some much-needed time to yourself, they have a mental meltdown. Trust me, they didn’t conspire to need you at the worst possible time. But they do need you. And it really doesn’t matter how long it takes. The same is true in the classroom. Yes, the lesson is important; your to-do list is important. But when a child needs you, the world needs to stop for a moment. They need you to be that trusted adult they can be honest with.
Be present. Listen to your kids and coach them. My first instinct is always to fix it quickly. The world is moving, and we have to keep up. And as an added bonus, I feel terrific about myself when I change the attitude of one of my kids in a near-instant. Yet the reality is, just because they seem like they are in a better mood or behaving better doesn’t mean I have solved anything. Ask yourself if you really listened to them. When you ask, “How are you?” are you interested in the honest answer? When my kids don’t know what they are feeling and why, I remind myself to be patient. And I slowly begin unpacking their words, facial expressions, reactions to others, and their answers to my questions.
The earlier our brains understand how to deal with feelings with a safe space to express and unpack, the healthier our brains will remain.
Click Here to Learn More About Kid’s Mental Health
Getting Active and Involved
This is expressly why the programs created by RemedyLIVE are so important not just in our schools but also in our families and the overall community. Keeping our minds healthy is not passive. It must be actively managed. But when we struggle in secret because we don’t know how to express them, are too afraid to speak up, don’t feel safe to do so, or simply lack the language to express our thoughts and feelings—RemedyLIVE’s Wired Experience, Get Schooled Tour, and Get Schooled Jr. is the perfect first step.
Each of these programs is designed to get everyone actively involved in talking about mental health. Because the more we talk, the more aware we are of our mental health. And the more aware we are of our mental health, the greater chance we have in keeping our minds healthy and fit. It’s important for everyone, but might be even more so as the minds of what is most precious to us are growing.
So whether you are a parent, a teacher, coach, Sunday school teacher, or just hanging with family over the holidays, remember to always be persistent, have patience, and be present. Because even the smallest of interactions with kids hold great importance.
