We Don’t Like To Talk About Suicide. Here’s Why We Should.
Suicide. Don’t just read the word. Say it out loud. Suicide. Was it hard? Perhaps awkward? If it was, don’t feel bad. It’s uncomfortable and a little strange for most people. Because suicide is not something we prefer to talk about. And for some of us, if we talk about it, we do so in hushed tones to our closest confidants. Perhaps we try to make light of it, use the word in jest, or close off our emotions to such a thing.
What Happened in College
I was in college when suicide would be as close to home as it ever would. Academic pressures were mounting. It seemed like everyone I knew was depressed, anxious, stressed, or paralyzed in fear. Some people worked longer hours on their school work, sacrificing sleep, meals, and social time. Others sought escape through parties and drinking. Still, others must have been struggling quietly, alone, in silence.
I was walking back to my dorm room after an early class, greeted by fire trucks, an ambulance, and a few campus police officers. Honestly, it’s college; I didn’t think much of it. I walked around to another entrance so I wouldn’t be in the way, headed to my room, and took a nap. It wouldn’t be until later that evening that I discovered a student had died by suicide in his room overnight. He hanged himself from his loft.
Although I didn’t know him, I knew the degrees of separation weren’t so large that I wouldn’t bump into someone who did. But just knowing it had happened in my little community dorm building was sobering enough.
Naturally, the campus took on a multi-faceted approach to healing and next steps. One of which was a heavy awareness campaign—counselors were made available, peer groups to talk with, and a helpline posted all throughout campus. People talked about it, asked questions, and looked out for each other. And before we knew it, normal seemed to have settled back in. That was until it happened again. Months later another student stepped in front of a train.
While I can’t speak for any of my classmates, for me, after that moment, the reality of suicide never again lost my attention. There is a reason suicide continues to be a leading cause of death in the United States. It hides under the surface, often undetectable. Until it’s too late.
The mistake we made in college was believing what happened was a rare occurrence. As a result, the conversation around suicide tapered off when we felt like the threat had subsided. We didn’t really want to talk about it, but we did for only as long as we thought it was necessary. We didn’t want to believe we could be affected by the despair of mental illness. The continued stigma surrounding mental illness dictates we gloss over the conversation quickly and efficiently.
We should have kept talking. We should have had more resources. We should have known there was a stigma working against us. Yet reducing the stigma means being comfortable talking about what we don’t like to talk about. We don’t often want to admit we are depressed or anxious. We don’t like to admit we silently fight a constant stream of lies we tell ourselves. And we don’t want others to think less of us because we struggle. And if we were honest with ourselves, we might even admit we don’t really want others to share those struggles because we are fearful of handling such a heavy burden.
Click Here to Learn More About Suicide Awareness
Ask the question
Make no mistake, it’s a tough question to ask, but if you think something just doesn’t seem right with someone you know, then it’s time to ask. But there is a slight nuance with how you go about asking. Don’t lead them to the answer you are hoping to hear. In other words, don’t say something like, “you’re not thinking about suicide, are you?” Do you see how that sounds? Like you want the answer to be no. Now, of course, you want the answer to be no, but it needs to be the honest answer. Instead, just ask, “are you thinking about suicide?” Then just shut up and listen.
But what if I increase a person’s thoughts about suicide or give them an idea by asking them? Please know that you won’t. If a person has suicidal ideations, your questions will not increase the ideation. He or she is already thinking about suicide.
Click Here to View our Resources on the Signs of Suicide
Be Present
Depending on your personality, this can be hard for some people. I am a fixer. I want the problem stated quickly and efficiently so I can get to work solving the problem for you. While I’m doing it out of nothing but love, it’s not connecting with them on a heart level. Some people need you to just listen. Someone to vent to, verbally process to, or a shoulder to cry on. We all desire to be seen and heard. In those moments, words are not necessary.
Click Here to Learn More About the Importance of Compassion
Help them connect
You will have to accept the reality that you can’t always be there. That can be even tougher when you notice that a person you care deeply about is near the edge. Often when depression sets in, when anxiety takes over, and the weight of the world is far too much—even if only for a moment. At that moment—whenever it comes—we all just need someone to listen. This is precisely the goal of RemedyLIVE’s SoulMedics, who are available 24/7 by simply texting 494949. Make that simple number available to yourself and anyone you know who might be struggling.
Continue to be there
Having compassion and empathy means you are invested in another person's life. Thoughts of suicide don’t just go away. Anxiety and depression aren’t like a viral infection that is cured with a ten-day regiment of antibiotics. Reminding the person how much you care for them by checking in and simply being there as a friend goes much farther than you might think.
Keep them safe
If you really think they are a danger to themselves based on their answers and attitude, you need to take action. Get them to the emergency room or call 911. Don’t wait, don’t second guess, and don’t leave them by themselves until help arrives. It is important to take people’s words seriously. Ensure the person is safe with you. We can offer our care and presence to people by asking if they have a plan (method, means, and timing) that they intend to implement. Keep in mind, calling the police should only be done as a last resort during an emergency situation. Click Here to learn more about the signs of suicide.
I learned two things from that season in college.
1. The conversation about suicide is one we cannot ignore.
Suicide continues to be a leading cause of death around the world. Yet we would rather not talk about it. There are more contributors to mental health issues than ever before in human history—think, trauma, technology, social media, isolation, etc.—yet we continue to allow ourselves and our kids to give into a lifestyle proven to be unhealthy. Depression, anxiety, and drug abuse are on the rise among our nation's kids. Yet, we continue to believe it’s not our kids. Until it is, and it’s too late. The path to hope and healing begins with a meaningful conversation and removing the stigma of talking about difficult topics like suicide.
While I applaud my college for engaging an entire campus in a meaningful conversation, it never became part of our rhythm. It was merely a divergence from our daily lives.
2. The conversation must be part of the rhythm of the community.
Talking about suicide shouldn't be isolated to a response conversation. It should be proactive rather than reactive. A community that cares for one another, a community bent on expressing the love of Christ, should also be a community that is consistently connected with a network of care. Businesses should be concerned and regularly focused on the mental health of their greatest asset and investment—their employees. Churches should be keenly aware of their people's spiritual battle that creates havoc and chaos in a person’s mind. And families should be working to keep an open line of communication between loved ones so that no matter what life throws at us, there is an undeniable feeling of love and support.
