Why Your Answer Actually Matters As Much As The Question
My career straight out of college was in restaurants. I spent five long years working my way up the management ladder. It was a trial by fire kind of process. I made countless mistakes, but in turn, learned some valuable lessons. However, some of those lessons proved to be less valuable because they led to bad habits.
Restaurant management during a busy lunch or dinner rush is a bit like being an actor. No matter your mood, your circumstances, or the state of the restaurant around you, you were required to project a sort of “on stage” presence. Basically, I was required to be an actor, the restaurant was my stage, and the customers were the audience. I could never appear to be flustered, worried, sad, or even stoic. I was always great and everything was always perfect. I became so good at it that it began to overflow into my personal life. Over time, even my closes friends and family never really knew how I was truly feeling.
In our last post, Click Here to read it, we talked about the importance of reducing the stigma of mental health struggles by adding one simple, yet powerful word to the world’s most basic and most often asked question: “How are you, really?” The responsibility rested squarely on the shoulders of the person asking the question. But the truth is, people need to feel the freedom to answer the question honestly and free of judgment and shame.
The question only takes us so far. The answer needs to come from a place of safety, honesty, and vulnerability. In other words, if someone asks us, how we are, we are not actors pretending that everything is great. We have to be real. We have to be confident that people ask because they care and they expect—even deserve—a real answer.
Putting Shame In Its Place
So I once again asked Richele Groeneweg, RemedyLIVE’s resident mental health expert, how she helps individuals and organizations understand the importance of sharing secret struggles.
She told me that we often hold back from disclosing how we’re really doing because doing so might reveal a sense of shame. “Shame imprisons us. It is the pervasive reason we continue to white-knuckle our way through and remain isolated.” At the same time, we convince ourselves that the shame we feel is the same as guilt. However, shame is not healthy guilt. Guilt says, ‘I did something bad.’ Shame says, ‘I am bad.’ “Shame is a critical assessment that we are not of value and worth.”
The result is silence and further isolation. We begin to convince ourselves that what we struggle with is abnormal, embarrassing, and it somehow makes us less of a person.
This unhealthy sense of shame—because we are harboring a secret struggle—begins to falsely inform us of whom we believe we are. Eventually, we no longer feel worthy of the help, hope, and healing we deserve.
“The story you tell yourself about yourself shapes how you treat yourself, and how you treat yourself shapes how you engage with the people on the planet around you.” - Mohi-Ud-Din Mohsin, Artist, Activist, and Founder of #MeWe International Inc.
Shame doesn’t bring change. Honesty does.
If you feel like those closest to you aren’t willing to listen, RemedyLIVE has 24-hour access to a SoulMedic who is literally waiting at the ready to hear you and speak truth into your life. Don’t wait to share your secret struggle. Don’t give it the final say on your future. Click here or text 494949 today to chat.
