Another Reason Why Asking, “How Are You, Really?” is So Important
At RemedyLIVE, we love to ask, “How are you really.”
It is such a simple question that produces powerful results. Its goal is to compel people into the mindset of digging beyond the surface and to show a person that you care enough to want to hear their heart and provide them with a safe space to be authentic and transparent. Honestly, that kind of attitude and compassion is hard to come by in our world.
But it can literally save another person’s life.
Recently, I learned of another critical use for this phrase with a slight twist in the wording.
Let me explain.
If you pay any attention to the news or statistical data about today’s teens, you likely know that teen depression and anxiety are seeing all-time highs. Blame their phones, academics, parental pressure, the competitive nature and pressure of college, the economic unknowns looming over the U.S., post-pandemic life, or the divided political strife we live in every day. It could be any one of them—or, God forbid, all of them.
Any way you slice it, our kids are experiencing stress levels none of us have ever experienced when we were their age. And if we were honest with ourselves—parents—we are a big part of that pressure. We feel the uncertainty in the world, and we want nothing more than for our kids to succeed. Our response—for better (probably worse)—is to pile on the pressure, wake them up, and motivate the living daylights out of them. There’s just too much riding on this, right?
Not quite.
Yes, the stakes are high. But I was recently reading an article featuring Breheny Wallace, author of the new book Never Enough: when Achievement Pressure Becomes Toxic - and What We Can Do About It, and was challenged to think a bit differently and perhaps even add in a little of RemedyLIVE’s, How Are Your Really, concept.
The book is based on a survey of 6500 parents she conducted with Harvard researchers. Ultimately, her suggestion for parents comes down to a straightforward change parents can make to help their kids’ mental health.
Click Here to Learn More About Teen Mental Wellness
But first, ask yourself what success looks like in your family.
If you answered academics, you are like almost every other family. Don’t worry; it’s normal and natural (and generally a good thing) for parents to want their kids to be successful in school. After all, more often than not, academic success later translates into career success, which can set you up for success in family and other relationships. We often see it as foundational. And that’s not entirely wrong.
But what’s the first thing we are often concerned about when our kids come home? How was school? How was that test? Did you turn in your homework? As a veteran teacher of more than a decade, I can faithfully tell you that most parents I spoke with year in and year out were concerned, first and foremost, with academic performance.
Friends, spiritual life, extracurriculars—these were all a bonus. Grades first.
Wallace suggests that we do something different. Instead of asking about schoolwork, grades, or tests, she suggests that we lead with lunch, like, “What did you have for lunch today?”
Why?
Because “when parents always lead with schoolwork-related questions, kids learn that what their parents really care about is their achievements, not them.” Ouch. I know that hurts a little. Because no matter how many times a parent asked me about their kid’s grades, I never once questioned their love for their kid. Not once.
But for many kids, it's a perception that seems like reality.
And when it becomes their reality, it elevates their anxiety and leads to overall mental health struggles.
As I read the article, I realized it was a lot like asking, how are you really? It communicates the same truth: “I care about you, as a person, more than I care about anything else right now.” Don’t worry; they will tell you about the math quiz they failed or the paper they nailed. Because when they know you care, they’ll be eager to tell you about it.
The power behind these questions—whether it’s, “How are you really?” or “How was lunch?” helps us develop the safe, stable relationships we need with the people around us. Our kids especially need to know that your love is unconditional. I know that seems obvious, but for many kids in many families, it’s not. Make it clear.
