Embracing the Full Spectrum of Emotions: The Power of Understanding and Navigating Negative Feelings
You’re feeling angry, frustrated, even fearful—an emotion that you consider negative. What do you do with it? Ignore it? Bury it? Or let it control you? What about finding something to distract you from it? Have you ever been shamed into believing that negative emotions were unacceptable—that the sign of maturity was to be emotionally even? After all, things like anger and fear cause not just stress on ourselves but often stress on those around us. No one wants that, right? We want to be people that others want to be around. We want to be people that have it all together. And to do that, we need to keep our emotions in check. At least, that’s what we are often taught. And for many of us, it is precisely what we teach our kids.
Just the other evening, I caught myself sending my kids that very message. My 10-year-old daughter was in a mood. She couldn’t seem to explain why, but her attitude and demeanor toward the rest of the family were nothing short of vicious. So, after a brief attempt to figure out why, I got frustrated and sent her to her room until she could be kind to the rest of the family. It didn’t take long for me to sit back and realize that I had just asked a 10-year-old who didn’t know why she was angry to go and be alone to figure out not only why she was angry in the first place but that the only acceptable version of her was one who was kind—emotionally even. It doesn’t take a genius to know that a 10-year-old can’t do that.
Why We Avoid Negative Feelings
Does that sound ridiculous to anyone else? Not only was I telling her to accomplish a task her brain capacity could not handle, but I was also telling her to suppress her emotions because some emotions are good while others are bad.
None of us like dealing with anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, or any other kind of negative emotion. No one likes being uncomfortable, and certainly, it’s hard to be in the same room as someone who just isn’t pleasant to be around. So it’s entirely natural for us to look to escape these feelings and even to escape (or, in my case, shun) the people who are having these feelings.
Rather than look for and deal with the reason behind these feelings, we believe the feelings themselves are the problem. It seems, then, that the only reasonable answer is to ignore and avoid. But it’s not just the discomfort we are trying to avoid. For some, it goes deeper.
You might be trying to live up to social expectations
You might live in fear of judgment
You might be avoiding any hint of vulnerability
You might be using avoidance as a coping mechanism from past pain or trauma.
You might have been oversold on the power of positive thinking
You might fear losing relationships
You might be navigating the impact of cultural or family backgrounds
How To See Emotions Differently
No matter the reason, suppressing negative emotions can lead to increased stress, mental health issues, and difficulty building authentic connections with other people. Managing negative emotions is not about suppressing those feelings so we can appear to be more emotionally even. It’s about embracing the fact that you are feeling the emotion in the first place. Allow yourself to feel them and work through them.
If you’re angry, there is a reason. Ask yourself why and work to respond appropriately. In fact, let’s completely change how we see emotions. Instead of seeing a particular emotion as good or bad, let’s see them as they are—critical information that we shouldn’t ignore.
The best thing we can do for ourselves and our families is to allow ourselves and our kids to experience the wide range of emotions we are privileged to experience as humans. Part of the human experience is the sheer joy in all of our emotions. Take a second and consider how we could truly understand and appreciate the exhilaration of joy without the despair of grief. Or the intensity of love without knowing hate. It’s the pain of the world that helps us appreciate the good. The stark difference between all of these and every range in between is the very thing that makes any of these emotions possible.
Two Critical Truths About How We Handle Emotions
Understanding the role emotions play in our lives also helps us to understand that our emotions do not define us. We have emotions; emotions do not have us. How does that work? It works by remembering two critical truths.
First, remember to have grace with yourself and others.
When you know that emotions are not bad (just how we respond), it’s easier to give ourselves and others a little bit of a break. When our kids lash out at us and say something they later regret, we can know that while there is a learning opportunity for how to respond better, we can, at the same time, validate those emotions and help them work through them with patience and love. And believe it or not, we can do the same thing with ourselves.
Even when we respond poorly to an overwhelming moment of emotion, we can take an extra ten seconds to think, breathe, and regroup. Don’t beat yourself up and define yourself by that poor response. Give yourself a second chance. The more you do it, the easier it gets to manage emotions of all kinds.
Click Here to Learn More About The Positive Effects of Self Love
Second, learn this phrase: “The thing is not the thing.”
What does that mean? It’s simple. It means often (more than we realize) that what’s happening on the surface speaks more to what’s buried deeper. For example, you had a bad day at work. You told yourself to shake it off, and it appeared as though you did by the time you got home. But instead of your kids obeying and cleaning up after dinner and calmly heading to their bedtime routine, they get out of hand, and you lose your cool, yell at them, say a bunch of things you really don’t mean, and send them all to bed in tears. Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme. But I think you see my point.
So where does that leave us?
We’ve come to understand that every emotion serves a purpose. Just as the sun casts shadows, negative emotions exist to shine a light on the deeper facets of our experiences. They compel us to pay attention, to question, and to seek resolution. So, let's reframe our perspective on emotions. Instead of categorizing them as positive or negative, let's see them for what they are—states and signals guiding us toward a richer understanding of our lives.
Let's grant ourselves and our loved ones the grace to feel these emotions without judgment. Emotions are part of our human experience, but they don't define us. We have the power to respond, to learn, and to grow from them.
Remember, when a negative emotion surges, pause and breathe. Don't be defined by a single moment. Grant yourself the chance to regroup, to respond with patience and love, and to learn from each experience.
Lastly, remember the profound truth that "the thing is not the thing." Often, what surfaces as frustration or anger may signify deeper, unspoken emotions. Understanding this can foster greater empathy for ourselves and those around us.
So, let us bask in the reflections of our emotional tapestry, knowing that we find life's most profound colors through the interplay of light and shadow.
