How Do I Support and Comfort A Friend Who I Think Is Struggling With Mental Illness?
Suppose you're not dealing with mental health struggles right now, but you know someone who is. You feel the weight they are carrying. You wish you could carry it for them. Even better–fix it. But all you can do is walk alongside and pray you don't make things worse. Mental illness has its fair share of challenges. But helping a friend or family member navigate through mental illness has its own set of anxieties, worries, and fears. Watching someone you love trapped in their own toxic thoughts can be equally depressing.
But that doesn't mean we avoid the conversation or distance ourselves from someone suffering. While we can't always solve the problem, we can walk with others in their journey. We can be a listening ear and a voice of encouragement. What stops us is not a lack of desire or care but fear and a lack of know-how.
How do I help a friend or family member struggling with mental illness? How do I walk alongside them without making matters worse for myself or the other person? You could endlessly search the internet, read some good books, and digest countless opinions. And if that is your jam, then by all means, dive in. Or you can just read on. Because I went ahead and asked the experts, did all the reading, and searched all over the internet, in hopes of giving you some practical tips on how to be the exact person your friend or family member needs right now.
First Things First
Express your gratitude for their willingness to share their struggle with you. You might not realize it, but this is a huge step for most people. Even if it doesn't sound like it, it's a cry for help. Mental health struggles often cloud a person's ability to think rationally and clearly. Even if it seems ridiculous or irrational, verbalizing the struggle is the first step toward healing.
For most of us, we want to be validated and acknowledged. We all want to be seen, but sometimes don't always know how to express our feelings. The truth is, we don't need the perfect words or actions. We just need to show up and be present. If we can meet that friend with empathy and grace, they will feel seen and heard.
10 questions To Check-In On Someone’s Mental Health.
Curiosity of @onsiteworkshops
Listen Without Comparison But With Grace and Compassion
This leads to the second most crucial part. Don't judge. Please, I beg you, whatever you do, don’t judge. The one thing that took me the longest to learn was that I am not in the other person's head. I know, that seems obvious. But no matter how hard I may try, I can't always understand what they're feeling or why. So when a person who is experiencing severe depression tells you they are not loved, and you're thinking, "that's ridiculous because I do!" What doesn't make sense to you is a genuine reality in their minds.
Also, don't try and relate experiences by comparing. Even with the best of intentions, it just comes off wrong—really wrong. So what's the answer? Grace and compassion. Listen. Just listen. Let them know you hear them. Gently remind them of what is true. Help them see hope or help solve a problem. And sometimes, people just need nothing but a hug and a smile. Be their space of safety and trust. Allow them to be vulnerable and transparent, without judgment. There are few better ways to communicate to another person their incredible value.
Click Here to Learn About Compassion
Be A Person They Can Trust. Don't Gossip
I certainly hope that given the opportunity to be trusted, all of us would honor that trust. I don't believe that many individuals purposefully and intentionally share confidential and trusted information with people we shouldn't. But learning of another person's secret struggle can be a very heavy load to carry. Maybe too heavy. So we feel the need to offload some of that weight.
Perhaps it's our own need to process the information we just received. Maybe's it's a genuine worry that someone we care deeply about could harm themselves. Did we take it seriously enough? Did I respond the right way? Should I have done something differently?
The key here is not about whether or not you should get sound advice. It's about being sure that you are not gossiping about it. This is particularly important among students. Gossiping takes what you have learned and spreads that information in an unconstrained conversation offering details or creating conclusions about that person that is generally not true. It's the difference between actively helping someone or intentionally hurting them.
Be A Distracting Source For Joy
Healthy distractions can be really beneficial. After validating and acknowledging what a friend says, help them find activities to give their mind something positive to think about. But there is a subtle difference between a healthy distraction and an unhealthy disruption.
What do I mean by that? Well, there is a great Proverb that sheds some light on this for us.
"Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone's coat in cold weather, or pouring vinegar in a wound." (Proverbs 25:20)
What Solomon is trying to say here is that sometimes we think our happy attitude will rub off and erase another person’s negative vibe. But when a person is struggling with toxic thoughts, depression, anxiety, etc. your cheerfulness might just make them feel worse.
So, where's the line? Think of it this way: Taking a friend to play miniature golf–great! Singing Bobby McFaren's "Don't Worry Be Happy" is not helpful. The goal is not to change their mood but to help them find joy despite their current state of mind. Joy is not all about happiness. Joy is cultivated through relationships and serves as a necessary ingredient to navigating the difficult times in life. Helping another find joy can be a healthy distraction.
Be Ready and Willing To Call For Help
Now that you have acknowledged what the other person is experiencing, you let them know how much they matter, how much they are loved, and your desire to walk with them—ask the person if you can help them find resources for help.
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Keep in mind that providing resources looks different for each person. You might recommend RemedyLIVE's 24-hour chat center, encourage them to seek professional help with a therapist, or even invite them into your community of friends, small group, or youth group. However, you also need to be prepared to encourage them to reach out to the National Suicide Lifeline. If you believe they are a danger to themselves for any reason, call 911 immediately.
Humanity was not designed to live in isolation. We were not intended to live life on our own. On the contrary, we were created for community. We need a community of people to celebrate the good times and help carry the burden of the hard times. The person you help walk the road of mental illness may be the same person who comes alongside you when you struggle. There is no magic formula or perfect plan, and you certainly aren’t going to fix anyone. But your love, grace, compassion, and simple presence can make all the difference in the world. In fact, it might even save a life.
