But What Will They Think?
We were sitting at the dinner table when a certain member of my family’s jaw dropped. But her shock wasn’t in reaction to what I was serving for dinner (I’m pretty sure it was something relatively tame… like fish). It was because my 8-year old daughter had just shared that we were letting her have her hair temporarily dyed as part of her birthday present and that she wanted it to be pink with a bit of green. I wasn’t prepared for the reaction of my beloved family member.
“Lauren, tell me you aren’t.” She stared at me accusingly. I nodded my head between bites, painfully aware that my daughter was absorbing every nanosecond of this interaction.
“It’s not permanent,” I explained. “It slowly fades out of the hair with multiple washes.” After about ten more minutes of dialogue, she spluttered and burst, “But what will people think!?! People at the grocery store will be looking right at her!”
”Honestly most people probably won’t think about it much at all,” I said, glancing at my daughter. “I’m not really worried about that.” I set my fork down. I wanted her to know that I was serious. “I’m more concerned about what my daughter thinks. And I don’t think it’s good for her to start making decisions based more on what others might think than what she does herself.”
At that table, I had been given a very clear glimpse of a divide that separates most of us: those of us who let fear over what others might think control us and those who don’t. This is a fear we’ll all encounter at various points in our life and some of that awareness is appropriate. When you have zero consideration for what others think, that’s a quick path to being a jerk. But the truth is that most of us think about ourselves WAY more than anyone else is.
If you want to start caring less about what others may think of you, here are a couple things you can do to begin that process. First figure out who your tribe is, who your safe people are, and then start to focus more on their feedback and less on others. It’s important to remember as you do this that no one gets a free pass into your tribe. Secondly, practice saying to yourself what you think or want to think. Write these thoughts/beliefs on your mirror, make them the backdrop on your cell phone, put them in a list at the front of your journal or planner. And thirdly, remind yourself that you will never be able to please everyone (Sack, 2016). Even the juiciest, peachiest peach that ever existed will be disliked by a person who likes strawberries but not peaches.
Admittedly, this can be a lot harder when it’s your parents or other influential people close to you who have strong, inflexible opinions about your life. Maybe it’s where you’ll go to college, what you’ll become professionally, or how you dress. Regardless of the area, it’s vital to rest from worrying about what others may think. It’s good to consider what others might think but to let fear of that control the decision you make? Never.
Reference: Sack, D. (2016). 8 ways to stop worrying about what other people think. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201610/8-ways-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think.
Challenges/Points:
Fear of what others think and a desire to fit in are common, especially in the teen years.
To combat these fears, tell yourself that no one is thinking about you more than you are.
If someone tries to shame you into making a different decision, push back. Shame should never be used to influence others.
Questions:
Which type of person are you more naturally, the type of person who is concerned about what others might think or the type of person who isn’t?
Have you ever had an experience like the one I described? How did it feel?
Why do you think we struggle with this? What are we afraid of at the bottom of it?
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