Common Suicide Myths And The Truth About The Relentless Pursuit of Human Connection
I asked several close friends and family what they thought about and knew about suicide. Their responses, although not surprising, were telling. It was as though I asked them to explain what the color blue tasted like—as if I asked a question that didn’t make any sense and didn’t warrant a response. The responses seemed almost offensive. I know that sounds harsh. So let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and press further.
Imagine being asked to explain something utterly unfamiliar to you. You likely wouldn’t just say, “I don’t know.” But you might even laugh at the proposal of the question. The fact that the question is so far outside your realm of knowledge, the prospect is actually humorous. That’s the response I received from my friends and family.
It revealed an inherent ignorance. And no ignorance is not bliss. It’s dangerous. Especially when we are talking about mental health and suicide.
Ignorance breeds myths. And myths can create false narratives that end up doing more damage than we might ever intend to. There are several myths we could mention. But I want to focus on just four. These are the four that came up in conversation the most and the four that, in my experience, are the most misunderstood.
Myth 1
If I ask someone if they are thinking about suicide, it will increase their suicidal thoughts or desire to complete suicide.
This myth comes from a place of inexperience, unfamiliarity, and fear more than misinformation. It’s the belief that talking about suicide opens the door to say the wrong thing. And that wrong thing could lead to disastrous consequences. Nobody wants to bear that weight. So our natural defense is to clam up and avoid the conversation at all costs and rationalize it as the right thing to do.
But in fact, the opposite is true. Studies actually suggest that acknowledging and talking about suicide may reduce suicidal ideation. The person feels safe and relieved to be able to express how he or she is truly feeling honestly. And instead of the fear that you are somehow responsible for a tragedy, your willingness to engage and foster a deeper level of trust might be just what is needed to save a life.
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Myth 2
Suicide is only a concern for depressed, withdrawn teens
I have worked with teens for over twenty years, and now my kids are saturated in that wonderfully chaotic adolescent hormonal abyss. If all of that experience has taught me anything, it's that the teenage years are full of moodiness, attitude, bouts of depression, and varying levels of anxiety. So, of course, it would make sense to assume the risk of suicide is greater and that once your brain is more fully developed and you’ve made it through the tumultuous teenage years, concern for suicide should almost completely disappear.
Yes is many ways suicide can be a genuine concern for adolescents. The cultural, academic, and social pressures mixed with a rapidly developing brain can create turmoil that makes our young people feel trapped where suicide feels like the only reasonable escape. While this is true, we cannot ignore other groups still at great risk.
Did you know that the rate of suicide is highest in middle-aged white men? I didn’t know until recently. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, in 2020, men died by suicide 3.88 times more than women. White males accounted for 69.68% of suicide deaths in 2020. This is not a tragedy reserved for troubled teens. What does it mean for you? It means paying attention to your neighbors, your co-workers, and your family members. Men (and I speak from a lifetime of experience) often get very good at faking until we make it. But what happens when we fake it too long?
Myth 3
People who threaten suicide are just seeking attention.
When you read that one, are you thinking what I’m thinking? What a terrible thought. How could anyone actually believe that a person suffering so much internally could be just looking for a way to get attention? Believe it or not, that’s what I was taught. In my early years as a teacher, I learned that suicidal ideation was less about a cry for help and more a cry for attention. And the best practice for dealing with such attention was to ignore it. Don’t feed it.
I was only in my second year of teaching. A student entered my classroom after school, sat down at one of the desks, and out of the blue, began telling me that she was cutting herself. After my initial shock and a few minutes to gather my thoughts, we talked for more than an hour. Before she finally left for the day, I told her I was obligated to call her mom regarding this conversation. I expected a fight. Instead, she said, “yeah, I know. She already knows. She says I do it for the attention.” I called her mom moments later and got the same response—that she was doing it for attention.
After I hung up the phone, I began to wonder: If she is doing something so harmful for attention, shouldn’t we pay attention to her? Turns out, I was right. There was hurt and some unhealthy things going on in her life, and she was, in fact, trying to get our attention.
Even if you believe the mention of suicide from another person is said purely out of frustration or anger and truly didn’t mean it. It’s still worth paying attention to. When the people we love and care for are hurting, we should pay attention to it. Are they seeking attention? Probably. Then give them the attention they deserve.
Myth 4
People who die by suicide are selfish and take the easy way out.
In medieval Europe, suicide was considered a sin and, in most places, forbidden by law. Carrying out such an act has dire consequences. In early 15th Century France, the house of a suicide victim was to be pulled down, their fields burned, and wooded areas flattened. In many areas of Europe, victims were treated much like a person who committed murder—hanged, tortured, dragged by a horse, etc. And yes, after the person had already died.
While these practices largely centered on superstition and a misunderstanding of scriptural teaching, they centered on penance for sin. Specifically, the sin of selfishness and idolatry. Put it on the same list as murder, coveting, stealing, etc. Today our modern western culture has largely done away with the notion that suicide is some kind of unforgivable sin. However, many still have a similar lingering thought—that suicide is selfish and taking the easy way out. We become angry with the person. We despise the shame they brought to us and the impact their actions have had on loved ones.
However, suicide is not the easy way out. Unfortunately, some believe that it is the only way out. Some believe that completing suicide is not selfish. Instead, they believe deeply in the exact opposite—an entirely selfless act—giving loved ones one less burden to bear.
Final Thoughts
These myths and the truth that follows have a few common threads woven throughout. Do you see them? Compassion, trust, conversation, and community. The easiest way to put these myths aside is to relentlessly pursue deeper-level relationships with those who are suffering in silence from mental health struggles. The best thing we all need is to live a life surrounded by other people who love and care for us.
