Eye Contact
Every year at the start of March, I typically choose to temporarily give up something I enjoy as a way of observing the season of lent (part of the historical church calendar). Last year, as I mentally shuffled through the options, I felt my heart sink lower and lower. It felt like we’d already given up so much. Seeing the smiles of other shoppers at the grocery store for example, being able to gather as extended family for the holidays, canceled concerts, canceled classes, canceled everything. And then, a wonderful idea popped into my head.
What if, instead of giving something up, I added something new? What if I introduced a habit that gave me a fresh way to see the people around me everyday and to love them better? I latched onto the idea, and within minutes, something I’d read recently jumped to the forefront of my thoughts. A parenting book had presented the idea of making it a family game to see who could remember the most eye colors of the people they interacted with at an event or gathering. The idea was to encourage children to make more eye contact, a brilliant solution, so I decided to steal it.
What if for the next 40 days I played the game myself? What if I specifically made sure to notice that the banker’s eyes were hazel as a way of paying greater attention to those around me? If nothing else, it certainly sounded better than giving up sugar! I didn’t know it at the time but I’d started a habit that I would carry well beyond that time period and into normal life. I’d tapped into an unexpected way of reminding myself of the humanity we all share.
Eye contact is an extremely powerful method of communication. Various studies show that eye contact alone can make you appear more intelligent, sincere, and believable. There are also multiple ways of using eye contact to send different messages. Glancing longingly at someone sends an entirely different message than zero eye contact (Jarrett, 2019). Scientists explain that when we meet someone’s gaze, our brain has to grapple with the fact that we are now engaged with the mind of a separate person who is looking at us. In other words, we become acutely aware that this other person has thoughts and feelings all their own that exist completely outside of us. This can be a good, healthy thing, or it can make us self-conscious and lead to greater shut down (Jarrett, 2019).
If eye contact tends to make you nervous, here’s a good exercise to try. This week, try to hold eye contact with other people until they choose to break it and see what happens. How does this make you feel? Who held contact with you the longest? Who did you feel the safest doing this with? Take time to process your findings and remember, as always, you have complete control over who you make eye contact with and when.
Reference: Jarrett, C. (2019). Why meeting another’s gaze is so powerful. BBC Future. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190108-why-meeting-anothers-gaze-is-so-powerful.
Challenges/Points:
Eye contact is a powerful way of communicating with and connecting to others.
Intentional eye contact makes us seem intelligent, confident, and trustworthy.
Typically, the longer we hold eye contact with someone, the more connected we feel and the more we are communicating that we trust them.
Questions:
How’s your eye contact skills? Do you avoid it, crave it, or not think about it much at all?
Have you ever tried to use eye contact intentionally?
What is the main thing you feel when making eye contact with someone?
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