Compliments
“I love your hair!”
“That outfit looks really good on you.”
“Did you write this yourself? It’s wonderful!”
“You are one of the bravest people I know.”
Compliments. We can give ‘em and we can receive ‘em but do we really understand ‘em? In one experiment conducted at the University of Pennsylvania, participants were asked to give a small compliment to a random stranger of the same gender (to avoid misunderstanding motive). Participants were asked to estimate how happy, flattered, or uncomfortable they thought the person receiving the compliment would be. Then after they gave the compliment, they handed the recipient of it a sealed envelope containing a survey that asked the stranger how they REALLY felt about the interaction (Robson, 2021).
Know what they found? Participants greatly under-estimated the effect that their small compliment would have on a stranger AND over-estimated how awkward it would be. In reality, it meant more to the recipient than they knew it would and was well perceived (Robson, 2021).
It turns out that if you’re giving someone a sincere compliment, then the other person doesn’t really care how it comes out - they’re just thrilled to be seen and appreciated! In another study, scientists found that men and women who were given one compliment a day from the same person didn’t experience less appreciation of the compliments as the week went on (Robson, 2021). Compliments are a gift that doesn’t wear out (but the trick is to only say things you really mean).
I think one of the greatest goals we can set for ourselves is to give more compliments freely. When you’re in line at the coffee shop to get a drink, and you think the barista’s earrings are super cool, tell her! If you find yourself thinking about a certain friend and how well they’ve supported you over the years, write them a note and let them in on those thoughts!
When I was an insecure, growing teenager, a librarian gave me exactly the confidence boost that I needed without even knowing it. My parents had recently divorced, and I was growing so fast that many of my clothes didn’t fit quite right. We also didn’t have enough money for me to dress in a way that felt “cool” or like I had any of my own sense of style. I felt ugly, embarrassed about my body, and unseen. And then one day a librarian told me that I had lovely eyebrows. She said she really, really loved them. I glowed after that compliment. I thought, Maybe if my eyebrows really are beautiful then someday the rest of me will be too.
You never know what someone else is going through or how much light one compliment might bring to their day.
Reference: Robson, D. (2021). Why we don’t dole out compliments - but should. BBC. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210722-why-we-dont-dole-out-many-compliments-but-should.
Challenges/Points:
We may fear giving compliments but people receiving them almost never care how they are delivered if they’re sincere.
Compliments are one of the easiest, fastest ways to raise someone’s spirits.
We often underestimate the effect a compliment might have on someone else.
Questions:
Do you give compliments regularly?
What is one of the most meaningful compliments you’ve ever received?
Who is someone you can compliment today or tomorrow?
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