Using You
Fact: For every good way of coping we might choose, there is an equally destructive or damaging way of coping we could turn to instead. We might turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of a failed relationship instead of sitting with it and examining the part we played, or we might choose to cope with low self esteem by trying to be the best at everything instead of doing the hard inner work of changing what we believe about ourselves. Unfortunately, we can even use people as an unhealthy way of coping the same way that we can turn to people for healthy support, guidance, and love.
If you aren’t familiar with “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” I won’t spoil anything for you, but Buffy Summers is the one young woman chosen in her generation to be given supernatural strength to use in the fight against evil, specifically vampires. She does her best but dang it she’s still just a high school student at the end of the day with normal dreams and fears! She wants to go to the prom. She’s worried about that test she got an F on. And at one point she’s really mixed up because she’s fallen in love with a vampire, the embodiment of everything she’s supposed to be against.
Buffy knows that this relationship wouldn’t be good for her. She knows that she’s currently under a mountain of stress and that the real appeal to the relationship is that it would distract her from all of the problems. It would make her feel good. So she resists for a while, but eventually, her walls start to come down one brick at a time (largely in part because she keeps her growing closeness to the vampire a secret). She tells no one, not even her closest friends.
In C.S. Lewis’s “The Great Divorce” there’s a scene where we meet a man with an engorged lizard affixed to his shoulder. The lizard represents the man’s lust. It’s constantly whispering in his ear. When the lizard is ripped off of the man at his request, it’s almost unbearably painful. Afterward both the lizard and the man lie on the ground. Still. Almost as if dead. And then they change. The lizard turns into a powerful horse, and the man regains his strength and stature. He rides the horse off into a much brighter future.
It’s the same for Buffy. The result of her choice is a lot of pain. Far more than she would have had if she hadn’t started using the relationship as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Finally, determined to do what is best for herself, she ends the relationship, saying : “I’m using you. I can’t love you. I’m just being weak and selfish.”
And she’s right. The only way she can actually love him is by not using him. When Buffy ends the relationship, what she does is give their friendship a fighting chance all while reminding us that using people is never the answer. Thanks Buffy!
Challenges/Points:
There are healthy coping mechanisms and there are unhealthy coping mechanisms.
One of the more intense unhealthy coping mechanisms involves using people and relationships to distract ourselves or make us feel better. This is different from leaning on someone in a healthy way for guidance, support, or love.
Signs that you might be using a person include keeping your connection to them a secret, feeling an impulse to text/email/call them all the time, or having mixed, negative feelings about yourself after you’ve spent time with them.
Questions:
Is there someone in your life you might be using as a coping mechanism? Or perhaps there is someone who is using you? Take time to think through this. It can be hard to be brutally honest with yourself and figure out what is actually love (puts the other person first) vs. attraction to something that makes you feel good.
If you have been using a relationship as a coping mechanism, what can you start to do today to make healthier choices? Consider limiting the amount of time you spend with that person, how frequently you communicate, or what your physical boundaries are. This will be painful, especially if the other person doesn’t want anything to change, but it is for the best.
Who can you ask to hold you accountable to not using that person or relationship anymore? We always stand a greater chance of keeping positive changes in our lives when we don’t do it alone. You can do this! We believe in you.
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