Holiday Expectations
I have a love/hate relationship with holiday Hallmark movies. On one hand, I love the familiar storylines, even though they have been redone what seems like a million times, and it makes me feel good when all ends well and everyone is cozy around a crackling fire with snow lightly falling outside. On the other hand, they remind me of a favorite candy bar, so sweet and wonderful at first bite but after too much it leaves me with a stomach ache.
No offense to those of you who love these kinds of movies, in fact, I feel like I might even understand why they are so appealing. We as people have always longed for romance and connection and happy endings, especially when things in real life get tough. There is a deep down desire that our biggest mistakes or our tragic circumstances in life will ultimately end up being one of our greatest successes or that the right kind of love will make us feel complete.
At the same time though, I also understand why others may not be able to stand movies like this. And that is often because in real life, our relationships don’t end up working out like what we see on the big screen. Instead of a happy family nestled around a Christmas tree, our own families may be filled with broken relationships, bad feelings, or lack of positive communication. And even when these areas are easier to ignore at other times of the year, I find all of those rough edges in dealing with family members often become glaringly obvious during the holidays. Comparing your life to a fictional one can leave you feeling empty or less than when you stop to consider your own circumstances.
So how do we enjoy time with family around the holidays? I think many times this begins with setting realistic expectations. Don’t wrongly believe that creating the perfect meal or decorating the house in a certain way will magically lead to all the family peacefully getting along. Do consider what topics of conversation usually go well with the group you are gathering with, and try to stick to those or even communicate this ahead of time. Nothing ruins a delicious feast faster than hurt feelings over politics, religion, or other sensitive issues.
Be willing to discuss traditions such as gift giving, celebrating on certain days, food, or other activities prior to getting together. This help ensures everyone knows what to expect and lessens the awkward exchanges that can sometimes take place. If you get over-stimulated by large gatherings, let others know your schedule up front, so you won’t feel guilty about leaving when you need to in order to decompress.
When all is said and done, don’t feel bad if your holidays look nothing like a Hallmark movie or if you choose to spend them with friends instead of hard-to-get-along-with relatives. Setting healthy boundaries and realistic expectations will bring you more peace and joy than a cup of cocoa around a cozy fireplace any day.
Challenges/Points:
Making memories with others during the holidays is a wonderful thing, but it is good to remember no one, including ourselves, is perfect, so it helps to be realistic in our expectations.
Communicating expectations or desires ahead of getting together can help in creating a more welcoming environment for all.
Setting healthy relational boundaries is always important and can play an important role in enjoying time with others, especially during the holidays.
Questions:
What kind of expectations do you set regarding family or traditions around the holidays? Are they realistic or more fictional based?
How could communicating your expectations for family or friend gatherings ahead of time help set the stage for positive interactions?
If you could change one thing about your holiday gatherings, what would it be? If it feels too difficult to make into a reality, what other perspective could you offer to that situation?
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