Fight, Fight, Listen
Let’s talk about fighting. If you are not married, don’t tune out. If you are, don’t tune out either! My siblings and I all went to different pre-marriage counselors but were given the same advice about how to listen and work out arguments with our future spouse. It’s really advice for anyone who interacts with other humans.
The advice went like this: Oftentimes when we’re in disagreement with someone, it’s because we aren’t hearing what the other person is really communicating. What they’re really trying to convey. So instead of saying, “You keep telling me xyz,” phrase it instead as “What I hear you saying is…” This is more of an open dialogue to what you hear from the other person and offering a chance for them to clarify or help you understand one another if one of you may not be hearing the other correctly.
That exact thing happened with my husband and I last week.
My husband wanted to wear a green shirt. I told him I didn’t like that shade of green. What he heard was “I can’t wear a green shirt. She hates this shirt and won’t let me ever wear it.” Now, I thought this was an overreaction. All I said was that I didn’t like that shade of green, but that’s not how he understood it. So I asked what he liked about the shirt, why he thought it was the one he should wear. He explained to me that he liked the fabric, the cut, the length. After his explanation, I understood what it was he really wanted. I agreed with him. I also liked the fabric, the cut, the length. I was only the shade of green that I disliked. Now, it didn’t mean he could no longer wear the shirt. It meant we should look for a different color. Instead of lime green, how about forest green? Neon green? Mint green?
In reality, the fight had nothing to do with a shirt. We were actually talking about how to buy a new laptop. He wanted to buy the laptop using a credit card. I told him that wasn’t the way I preferred to buy it. We discussed why he felt shut down, why I felt shut down, then talked about why finding the right solution was so important to us. It led to new ideas and options for buying the laptop. Options we could agree on.
When you get into disagreements, most of the time emotions run high because we’re not understanding someone’s feelings in the matter. Many times, their feelings aren’t voiced until the disagreement has escalated. It’s hard to talk about our feelings. It’s hard to be open to why someone hurt us or said something that stung. But to come around a problem, we have to understand one another. Listen and be vulnerable. Come up with silly analogies like green t-shirts if you think it’ll help the two of you understand the argument. But don’t look at that person as the enemy, look at them as an ally who’s been wounded. Then work to help heal and find a compromise.
Challenges/Points:
Getting into disagreements is rarely about the actual problem at hand and more about our feelings.
The person you’re fighting with is probably not your enemy, they just see things differently. That’s okay.
Most of the time, finding common ground to know you’re working towards the same goal is all you need to stop fighting over the path to get there. How can you keep this in mind for future arguments/discussions?
Questions:
Think of a recent fight where you left the other person without a resolution. Did you understand where they were coming from? Did you feel misunderstood?
What’s a simple analogy that you could use to help explain your feelings to them better?
How can you be more open-minded next time a disagreement arises?
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