The Why Behind It
Driven vs. Dedicated
“Hey Claire, come get some of this cake!” Imani held out a paper plate with one big, dark slice of chocolatey goodness. From the couch her friend jumped up and flipped her long braid over a shoulder.
“Geez, why don’t you just give me the whole thing?”
“Yeah yeah. You know you’re burning a million calories training for the meet next week.” Claire closed her eyes in bliss as her mouth closed over the fork.
“Mmmmm. You do have a point.”
“Uh huh. What about you, Tay, you want a piece?” Taylor frowned as Claire plopped back down next to her, her friend’s eyes already glued back to the movie they’d selected for their sleepover.
“No, that’s okay. I’m not really that hungry right now.”
“You’re never hungry any more.” Imani cut herself a piece, set the knife down, and squeezed onto the end of the couch.
“It’s true. I’ve seen you at lunch.” Taylor tried to focus on the screen but her mind was racing. Had she really been that obvious?
“I’m just… I’m really close to breaking that record. I’m going to do it.”
“So what, are you on a diet or something?” Claire licked some of the frosting off of her finger and turned toward her friend. Taylor’s mind was scrambling. How could she explain it to them in a way they’d understand? This was so important to her. Not like it was for Claire. This was all she was good at. It was all she had. She didn’t think it had crossed over into an eating disorder but the truth was she wasn’t eating unless she absolutely had to and that still felt like a lot. She loved to feel her stomach grumble. It meant one less pound soon. That she’d be lighter. Faster. She set her jaw and returned her friend’s gaze.
“No.” To prove her point she reached out and dragged her finger through Claire’s piece of cake for a taste. The girls laughed and moved on, but Taylor’s stomach had turned sour. At least the movie would drown out the sounds of it gurgling. Somewhere deep in her gut she knew even though she tried to ignore it. There was a reason she didn’t want her friends to know how far she went and how far she might be willing to go. Because that would mean admitting she wasn’t really in control any more. And she had to break that record. She just had to.
Healthy Goals vs. Unhealthy Goals
One of the most important things about learning to set goals is how to tell when one crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy. How can you tell one from the other? One of the biggest signs of an unhealthy goal is that you believe your happiness of value is dependent on it. It’s an illusion that getting that grade, beating that record, or dating that certain person will bring you the happiness you haven’t been able to find anywhere else. Another sign of an unhealthy goal is that you hide or don’t want others to know about how you are actually working toward it. As Brené Brown says in her book, “Daring Greatly”, “It’s not what you do, it’s why you do it that makes the difference. Are my choices leading to my wholeheartedness or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?”
Challenges/Points:
Goals are an important part of planning, self-control, and decision making but goals are not inherently neutral. There are healthy goals and unhealthy goals.
If you think about a certain goal that you’ve set for yourself, take the time to ask why you created it. There is always something that we value driving the goals we create.
Consider talking with a close friend you trust or a mentor about a goal if you aren’t sure whether it is healthy or unhealthy.
Questions:
Are you in control of your goal or is it in control of you?
Imagine for a few minutes that you don’t reach your goal. How do you feel? What things are you thinking or saying to yourself? Disappointment, sadness, and anger are natural things to experience but if you are attacking yourself or tearing yourself down that might be a sign that your goal has become unhealthy.
Are your friends and family supportive of the ways you are working toward your goal?
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