Self Forgiveness

“I forgive you.”

If we’ve learned anything from season one of the incredible show “Ted Lasso”, it’s that these three words continue to be some of the most powerful we can hear. But what about when the person who’s fallen short and the person who needs to do the forgiving are one in the same? How does forgiveness play into your relationship with yourself? 

First, let’s define what forgiveness is. Psychologists generally agree that forgiveness is a conscious choice to let go of angry, bitter, or vengeful feelings you have toward another person whether or not they have “earned” it or owned up to what they did. Just as important is understanding what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness should never be compulsory or forced. It has to come from an open, loving, merciful place in your own heart. It also does not mean that you forget or gloss over what was done to you.

It’s important for our own well being to see people for who they really are and set healthy boundaries (if we need them) even as we forgive. In fact, one of my favorite researchers, Brené Brown, has found a direct link between boundaries and forgiveness. She says that the most loving and forgiving people have boundaries of steel. They know exactly what they are responsible for and what they are not. We’re all responsible for ourselves of course and that’s where self forgiveness becomes super important. 

What self forgiveness really means is that you take responsibility for choices you’ve made without beating yourself up about it in the process (How to forgive yourself, 2019). Basically you show yourself the same grace that you hopefully also show others. Here’s a few examples of what self forgiveness can sound like vs. self condemnation (also known as putting yourself down).  

Self forgiveness: “I shouldn’t have lied to Mrs. Starinsky about that assignment. Everyone makes wrong choices sometimes, and I’ve been so afraid that I’ll fail this class but that doesn’t make what I did okay. I’m not going to do it again.” 

Self judgement: “I’m an idiot, did I really think I’d get away with it? Now Mrs. Starinsky’s gonna wonder if I cheat on other things too. She’ll probably tell the other teachers about it. God! If I was smarter none of this would even be a problem!”  

Self forgiveness: “Yelling at someone and losing control is never okay, even if they did what Justin did. I don’t want to treat others like that.”

Self judgement: “Why can’t I just keep my cool?! Every time he’s in the room with me all I want to do is punch him. If people knew what I’m really like inside no one would want to be friends with me.” 

See, at the end of the day self forgiveness is really a form of self love. The more we’re able to love and forgive ourselves, the more we’ll be able to love and forgive others too.

Reference: How to Forgive Yourself. (2019). 7 Summit Pathways. Retrieved from https://7summitpathways.com/blog/how-to-forgive-yourself/.

Challenges/Points:

• Self forgiveness is a deliberate choice to take ownership and be understanding toward yourself when you make a poor decision. 

• The first relationship we ever have is the one with ourselves. If we can’t forgive ourselves we’re going to struggle to forgive others. 

• Self forgiveness is really a form of self love; it’s never beating yourself up or tearing yourself down.

Questions:

• Do you practice more self forgiveness or self judgement? 

• What would self forgiveness sound like for you? 

• What’s something you need to forgive yourself for?

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