Romanticizing the Past
Have you ever found yourself daydreaming not about something that might happen in the future but about something that already did in the past? Call it nostalgia or call it romanticizing the past, the facts are the same. Whenever we engage in looking behind us with these strongly rose tinted glasses, we actually change the way we feel and think about our life in the present.
A perfect example would be comparing times in history. When confronted with the daily negative dose of news today, it can be easy to imagine past decades as being better than they really were. According to Alan R. Hirsch’s report on nostalgia and the brain, nostalgia is “not a true recreation of the past but rather a combination of many different memories, all integrated together... all negative emotions filtered out” (Yandura, 2019). So for example, when one of our grandparents laments that things are so much worse today than when they were young, it’s likely that they are comparing the positive things of the past to the negative things of the present (Bernhard, 2013). Not exactly a balanced comparison.
We tend to do this with past relationships as well, especially if we find ourselves in a hard place today. Maybe you’re single and long to be with someone again, or perhaps something about your current relationship is more challenging or difficult than you expected. Sometimes we look into the past for comfort without realizing that we’re actually altering the past by the way we look at it. We aren’t comforting ourselves with something real. We’re comforting ourselves with an idealized version of what we remember, with a fantasy. The parts of the relationship that weren’t healthy or the character traits of the person that drove us crazy are swept aside and all we see is what glows (Yandura, 2019).
Romanticizing the past also has some pretty nasty side effects for the present. We can actually sabotage a current relationship by constantly comparing it to something that only exists unrealistically in the past (Bernhard, 2013). Our brains might use nostalgia as a tool to try to deal with present day stress or a painful reality, but it’s up to us to keep a tight leash on the thoughts and to recognize them for what they are. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself if you find that you are regularly dwelling on a time or person from the past.
Am I avoiding dealing with something by fantasizing about this?
How might this be hurting me or holding me back?
Why do I think I started thinking about this time/person/place so much?
What would it mean for me to stop thinking about them/it?
References:
Yandura, K. (2019). Why romanticizing past relationships will ruin future ones. Rewire. Retrieved from https://www.rewire.org/romanticizing-past-relationships-ruin/.
Bernhard, T. (2013). Romanticizing the past makes us feel bad about the present. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201308/romanticizing-the-past-makes-us-feel-bad-about-the-present.
Challenges/Points:
Nostalgia is a way of looking back without seeing the full, accurate picture.
Too much nostalgia can lead to fantasizing as a way to try to cope with difficulties.
We can actually hurt ourselves or a relationship in the present by being too “in love” with a time or person from the past.
Questions:
Are you a nostalgic person in general?
Have you ever found yourself fantasizing regularly about the past?
What would it look like to not use nostalgia as a coping mechanism this week?
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