Conflict Styles
I didn’t know I had a conflict style until after I got married. I came from a family where there was lots of yelling and tense undertones whenever there was an issue that needed to be tackled. It made me extremely uncomfortable as a child in this environment, as I was also highly sensitive and not well practiced in different techniques of how to handle overwhelming emotions.
Experiencing others' anger was a source of great discomfort for me, and I made it a point to marry someone who did not possess a passionate temper or was easily offended. In doing this, I figured that our conflicts would be mostly peaceable and easy to work out. However, what I hadn’t counted on, was that I had never really seen much of my own anger come to the surface up until that point.
In that first year alone, it quickly became apparent that although I did not want to reflect the patterns of tension that my family of origin had shown me, I had not been exposed to any other ways to handle conflict. I was soon bringing all of my own passionate feelings and exploding them all over my husband, who although had a much more passive approach to arguments, did not have experience handling emotional outbursts. I was unloading everything inside me on him all at once, and he would respond by shutting down in silence, unable to process through the verbal heaviness. Many tears and frustrations later, we started to realize that there had to be a better way.
Thankfully, fourteen years later, we have learned that our conflict styles can change, grow, and improve. The other good news is that these communication lessons don’t apply just to marriage, but for any close relationship that you have.
Here are three actions to consider the next time a conflict arises. One, before going to the other person, try writing out everything that is bothering you. By writing it down first, it will allow you to sort through your emotions and focus on what is most important, without verbally assaulting them with an onslaught of words. Try to narrow down your main points to no more than three, less is better in this case, if change is the ultimate goal. Action two would be to prepare the other person ahead of time. Ask them when a good time to talk would be, and if possible, present them with some open-ended questions to discuss when you meet, so they don’t feel taken off guard. Last, use “I” language when describing your feelings or desires and avoid “you” statements. Examples would be, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me know your plans ahead of time,” instead of “you never consider how I feel when you leave me out.” By doing a little prep work beforehand, you may find that you remove much of the “fight” in a conflict and are left with more problem solving skills instead.
Challenges/Points:
When a conflict arises, try writing out your feelings before approaching the other person.
Prepare the other person for an open discussion by asking when a good time to talk would be.
Focus on using “I” language and avoid using “you” statements. This helps the conversation keep flowing instead of making others feel defensive.
Questions:
What kind of conflict styles do you notice in your family or with your friends?
How do you feel when someone directs statements at you that include phrases such as ‘You always…” or “You never…”?
How can changing the way you say things improve the quality of a conversation?
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