Nonviolent Communication
“You idiot!”
“Why is it that you never learn? Huh? You never do!”
“You make me crazy!”
What do these statements all have in common? Each of them are forms of violent communication - a verbal attack on the other person involved in the conversation. The first is a practice of judgement that leads to name calling. The second is an example of extremism in descriptions, something that usually shows up when we use the words “always’ and “never.” The last is misattributing the source of our feeling to another person instead of owning it ourselves so we can connect that feeling to the need beneath it.
What do I mean? Let me show you. Let’s say that one of your siblings has taken something of yours without asking. You’ve already talked with them in the past and told them they have to come to you first if they want to borrow something, but here they are wearing one of your favorite shirts again.
Nonviolent communication would say: “Okay, now I’m really angry! I told you that I need you to ask permission before you wear my stuff. I’m happy to share some things, but I don’t want any stains or anything to get on that shirt, it’s my favorite. Can you please give it back now?”
This method of communication, created by Marshall B. Rosenberg, follows a simple formula that works both ways. Not only can we use it to identify our own unmet needs at the bottom of our feelings, we can also use it to try to see unmet needs that might be lurking beneath the feelings of others. We’ve all probably communicated violently in the past but we can always learn a new, better way.
Here are the four steps of the nonviolent communication process (for short, called NVC).
Observe the concrete actions that affect our well being.
Figure out how we feel about the action that’s taken place.
Dig up the needs, values, and desires that create our feelings.
Ask for concrete actions that meet our needs and enrich our lives.
Here’s an example of how this looks for me in one area of my life. Sometimes when I’m trying to talk with my husband about something, he won’t realize that what I’m sharing is important and he’ll absentmindedly pick up his phone and start scrolling while I talk. If I remember to use NVC (because let’s be honest, I don’t always) I’ll say, “Okay, I’m feeling sad and frustrated now. I need to know that you care about this. Can you put your phone down and give me your full attention right now?”
See? Instead of attacking him for his behavior (ex: Ugh! You always get on your phone when I try to talk to you!) I’m sharing my feelings, owning them myself, and asking for what I need in a way that is direct and kind. It’s much more likely that someone will respond to NVC positively than if we immediately blame them.
(To learn more about NVC and how to practice it, check out the book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg.)
Challenges/Points:
It’s easy when we have big feelings about something to jump to name calling or to blame someone else for our feelings.
Nonviolent communication is a method of communicating that follows four steps: observe what happened, figure out how we feel about it, find the need beneath the feeling, and ask for the concrete action we need to resolve it.
It takes time and work to learn to use Nonviolent communication, but it is an incredible tool that can help you in all kinds of situations.
Questions:
Have you been blamed for someone else’s feelings before?
Which part of the nonviolent communication process would be the hardest for you?
Will you commit to trying to focus on one step of the process this week?
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