True Talk Part 5: Physical
Part 5 of 5 in the True Talk Series
A few years back, I received good relationship advice that I still apply to my friendships and marriage today. I call it “The 5.” Five topics to discuss with someone you are in a relationship with that will help you both remain honest and keep things healthy between you. These five topics are to be discussed regularly - such as weekly or monthly - and are a tool in which to improve things in the relationship. This is the time for both parties to be completely honest, open, and not hold back about how they are feeling. It’s time and topics specifically to promote honesty and to improve things between two people.
Let me be clear, The 5 can work in any sort of relationship. As we talk about physical relationships (topic #5), I’ll be providing 3 different relationship examples as well.
Discussing your physical relationship with the important person in your life is perhaps awkward, but definitely healthy for both of you. This conversation is important no matter your age or relationship with the important people in your life. In this scenario of discussing The 5 with “your person,” keep in mind that this is in the context of being a regular conversation. A check-in, so to speak. So let’s look at a few examples of what that could look like.
Example Roommates: I had a roommate who loved hugs. Physical touch made her feel loved and accepted, which is perfectly okay! She was always eager to hug every time we saw one another, sit close to people during movies, and loop her arm through a friend’s as they walked. I, however, was not a big fan of physical touch. Thankfully, we had a chat about this and set clear boundaries so that I felt comfortable and so that she wasn’t hurt by my withdrawal. It was healthy for both of us to discuss where we stood and in a way that helped us understand one another.
Example Dating: I could write a book on why it’s important to discuss physical relationships while dating. Actually, many people have. Establishing a clear and solid line on where each of you stands when it comes to physical intimacy is important. Yes, it may feel awkward. A person may even lose interest because you stood firm with what is and is not acceptable to you, but it is not something to ignore or “see where it goes” unless you’re ready for it to go too far. In most cases, it will if you do not set clear boundaries.
Example Partner/Marriage: Yes, even married couples should talk about their physical intimacy. One of the main reasons is because our emotions are strongly tied to the physical relationship we have with others. They tend to go hand in hand with one another and discussing this can often lead to problem-solving things you didn’t realize were even an issue before. Have these conversations regularly (monthly if not weekly) to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
For other posts in this series, search “True Talk” on the 365 page!
Challenges/Points:
Physical relationships exist even outside of romantic relationships. It’s ok to acknowledge and talk about them.
Setting clear and strong boundaries is good for both parties involved by forming understanding and trust.
Are you in a relationship where the physical aspect has made you uncomfortable? Perhaps a line was crossed or no line was drawn? Write down what made you uncomfortable and why. Now think about how you can approach the conversation with this person.
Questions:
If you haven’t ever talked about the physical relationship you have with someone, why not?
On a piece of paper, notebook, or notes on your device, write down the sort of physical relationship you are comfortable with around your close friends. What about in a romantic relationship?
Are there areas in your life and relationship that you feel are unsatisfied physically? For example, I had a friend move to a new community and the most physical contact she received for years was a handshake. She desperately wanted a hug from a friend but was too afraid to say it. How can you approach someone to ask for that hug you are missing?
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please seek safety and help. Call 1 (800) 799-7233 or text START to 88788 (National Domestic Violence Hotline) to receive help.
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