Emotionally Unhealthy Caretakers
I knew something was wrong when he stopped listening. Although my parents had been divorced for several years, I’d never seen my father like this. My sister, upset and emotional about something that had happened at school, had retreated to our shared bedroom that we used whenever spending weekends with our dad. She’d shut and locked the door but now as my father stood facing it, he told her in a firm voice that she had to talk to him. “Open the door Amy,” he said. “I need you to talk to me.”
“Please go away,” I heard her sniffle and beg from the other side. My built-in “older sister protective nature” had kicked in and there was no way I was going to leave her alone to face this. I tried to speak reasonably with him.
“Dad, she just wants some space. Please leave her alone.”
“You aren’t the parent here. Get out of my way.”
“No Dad, I’m not leaving. “
“Lauren, either you back down or I’ll call the police!”
I wish I could go back and tell my 16 year old self that nothing had happened to justify calling the police. Instead, I can only watch the playback in my mind of the call I placed to my mom to let her know what was happening. I can still see the tears that streaked down my cheeks as I climbed into her car and left my sisters behind because my father couldn’t stem his own anger at both my sister and me.
It is one of the hard truths of life that being an adult does not automatically make you an emotionally healthy adult. This applies for caretakers and non-caretakers alike. Emotional intelligence is another way to refer to this. Some of us have a higher emotional intelligence than others, and there are many cases where the child has developed emotionally more than the caretaker. What is emotional intelligence? It is the ability a person has to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. Healthy emotional boundaries are a huge part of emotional intelligence, as well as the understanding that we are each responsible for our own feelings, not the feelings of others.
Recognizing that you may be more emotionally healthy than your own caretaker is deeply painful and can be difficult to navigate. Many adults demand to be respected regardless of a child’s experience and may not be open to a conversation about this until you are both adults and on more equal footing. Signs that your caretaker is not emotionally healthy can include never validating your feelings, demanding that you align yourself with whatever they think or feel, a lack of interest or curiosity toward what you feel, saying things that put down your feelings, or ignoring any emotional boundaries you try to set.
If this sounds like what you experience at home, you may want to speak with a trusted adult about finding more ways that you can cope. As always, remember that the only person you can control is you.
Challenges/Points:
Sometimes children are able to reach higher levels of emotional intelligence and health than their caretakers.
Signs that your adult caretaker is emotionally unhealthy include ignoring your feelings, exhibiting no interest in your thoughts or feelings, or demanding that you agree with them.
Definitely speak with a trusted adult if you feel that your caretaker may be emotionally unhealthy.
Questions:
Have you heard of emotional intelligence before?
What’s an emotional boundary that you’ve drawn for yourself in the past?
How can you protect yourself emotionally if you are experiencing this?
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