Non-Negotiables
When it comes to romantic relationships, most of us tend to focus on the things we’re looking for. We’ve got a “list,” either unspoken in our minds and hearts or actually written down somewhere. Some of it might be mere preference (red hair for example) and others are more important (kindness or the ability to listen to others). One of the things we absolutely need to consider when dating is what we are NOT looking for. I call these the non-negotiables. These are the things that, if they become present in a relationship, are a major red flag.
Some non-negotiables should apply to everyone such as, “a partner who never hits me or expresses anger by lashing out physically.” Others might be specific to you based on previous experiences or your own family history. An individual who knows about a rare genetic condition present in their family may have a non-negotiable of not having biological children while another person who is pursuing a career that requires a lot of travel may have a non-negotiable of a partner who is comfortable being on their own a lot.
We’ve put together a short list of some non-negotiables we think are important to consider and that you might want to have on your own “list” when dating.
They speak about any former romantic partners with respect.
They are able to give sincere apologies without deflecting or defending. A good apology sounds like: “I’m sorry. I know I hurt you. How can I make this right? I want to learn from this.”
They can talk about their emotions and focus on their own growth and improvement.
They always respect your boundaries. This means never pushing when you say no and asking for consent before moving forward with anything there’s a chance you could be uncomfortable with.
They are confident enough to let you see their flaws and talk about navigating them together.
They understand the balance of give and take that a healthy relationship needs.
When you make your own non-negotiables list, try to rank them in the order of importance. We’re all human so no one is going to nail all of them. Most of us are in progress in at least some if not most of these areas, so don’t use the list as a means of hammering potential partners down. The key is to look for someone who is willing to grow, learn, and try new things in pursuit of the best possible relationship with you! And when you do come up against something that is a major non-negotiable, trust yourself. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is be honest and then move on.
Challenges/Points:
Non-negotiables are character traits or tendencies in another person that you aren’t willing to deal with in a romantic partner.
Making a list of non-negotiables can be very helpful as you navigate dating.
Put your list of non-negotiables in order starting with the most important.
Questions:
Have you ever ended a relationship because you realized the other person had done or embodied something non-negotiable for you?
What are the first things that pop into your head as non-negotiables in a romantic partner?
What might happen if you never take the time to think through what you’d walk away from a relationship for?
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