The Perfect Partner
What if I told you that you could create the ultimate partner of your dreams? And what if everything you wrote down that that person did, came true? What if you could control them? In the words of one of the characters from “Ruby Sparks,” the film I’ve just described, “Dude, you can make her do whatever you want. On behalf of men everywhere, please don’t let that go to waste.” And so we follow Calvin and Ruby and watch how a relationship would unfold if one person decided to control the other (Spoiler warning: there’s a pretty steep price on that).
One of the things I love about this film is that it explores the question of free will and the way that affects us all. We love free will when we get to exercise it, but sometimes we hate it when others do. It’s a bit of a double standard, but it’s one of those things that’s so innately human that we can all identify with it pretty strongly. If we could control the other person in a relationship, then we could win every argument. We could have everything we wanted and not be alone… or could we?
The truth is that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. The minute we try to start controlling the person who has agreed to do life with us in such an intimate way, we lose the beauty of who that person is and how they bring out the best (or the worst) of us. That’s the whole point of relationships, that’s how they work. Two people who happen to sometimes like and want different things make each other better by smoothing out each other’s rough corners and challenging each other to grow stronger where they are weak.
My own marriage has been a classic case of this. When I first met my husband, I had very little practice in voicing my own opinions about things or disagreeing with someone kindly. Conflict in my home of origin was all out war or nothing. I’d been raised to believe the best thing I could do was to not rock the boat because doing that led to shouting and slamming doors and someone driving away without any idea where they might be going or when they might be coming back. So, of course I started to act out the only thing I’d had modeled for me. When I disagreed with my husband about something big, I tried to keep it to myself…until I couldn’t…and then I shouted at him.
His family of origin never fought like mine (to be fair he says they never talked about any of their feelings so it was kinda the opposite end of the spectrum). Together, he and I have helped smooth each other out to find a healthier middle. He made it clear that he didn’t want any shouting in our home, and I made it clear that I need us to talk about our feelings. I was never going to be the kind of person who swept things under the rug. Together, without attempting to control each other, we can be better. There is beauty and deep meaning in learning to love an imperfect partner.
Challenges/Points:
The idea of being able to control somebody to make them a “perfect” partner who does everything we want would really destroy what actually makes relationships wonderful.
We all come to relationships with sharp corners that need to be softened.
When you approach a relationship as an opportunity to grow (instead of as a product meant to make you happy), your whole way of looking at it changes.
Questions:
Have you ever wished you could control another person?
What’s something you’ve learned from somebody that you didn’t expect to?
Do you think you could appreciate conflict that helps you grow in a relationship, or are you looking for something that just makes you feel good?
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