The Marble Jar
So here’s a question: how do you know that you can trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them? The way relationships work is this: in order to be vulnerable, we do need to experience some level of trust with that person, but in order to create trust, we often need to share some level of vulnerability.
Yikes! Sounds a little like the “which came first, the chicken or the egg” question doesn’t it? It is and that’s the beautiful complexity of human relationships. At some point, someone has to take the risk based on what they’ve observed so far. Sometimes we get it right. Sometimes we get it wrong. And that’s okay because along the way, we learn a LOT about building trust.
Author and public speaker, Brené Brown, shares this beautiful story that her family uses to talk about building trust. They call it the marble jar. Here’s the thing: we each have a marble jar. You. Me. Your brother. That kid on the bus you can’t stand. Your manager. Everyone gets their own. Whenever someone treats you kindly, listens to you, or goes out of their way to help you with something, they put a marble in your marble jar.
Some people remember things that are important to you, like a class you were afraid you might not do well in or a girl you were working up the nerve to finally talk to for the first time. When they ask how it went, that’s putting a marble in your marble jar. That’s building trust. Over time the jar might fill up so much that you find you trust someone implicitly. Congratulations! They’ve earned that trust through a hundred little moments that all add up.
Unfortunately, there’s another side to this marble jar scenario that is very, very real. Sometimes someone will pick up the marble jar and smash it into a thousand pieces. In these cases, your friend or family member has probably done or said something that cut you deeply. Another form of hurt that can destroy trust is much quieter but equally damaging. It’s the betrayal of neglect. Sometimes, someone we want to build trust with just stops putting marbles into the jar. They don’t ask how anything is going in your life. They don’t remember what’s important. They get so busy that you feel like an afterthought or a nuisance.
The good news is that trust is a choice! If someone has smashed your marble jar, then it’s right for them to seek your forgiveness and do the hard work of starting from scratch again. You don’t owe your trust to those who haven’t earned it. Like Brené Brown says, “Trust isn’t a grand gesture. It’s a growing marble collection.”
Challenges/Points:
Trust and respect are not the same things. You can respect an adult without trusting them.
Trust has to be earned. Listen to your gut on this one. Who feels safe?
Building trust is like slowly putting marbles into a marble jar over time. Look for the people who are committed to that process.
Questions:
Who is a marble jar friend? Do you have anyone who has already put in a lot of marbles to build trust with you?
If you have a friend or a family member who has smashed your marble jar or stopped putting marbles in altogether, what can you do to help process the feelings you will have about that?
What are some ways that you can put marbles into others’ jars?
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