Immediacy
“You are living in integrity when the life you are living on the outside matches who you are on the inside.” - Alan Cohen
Fact: Nothing feels awful the way that doing something that betrays yourself does. I can remember in vivid detail moments from my childhood when family members would turn their focus on me, throw their arms wide, and in front of everybody say, “Come here and give me a hug!” And I did. Even if I didn’t want to. Even if everything in me was saying, “No.” I still did. As a child, I hadn’t been taught yet that there are moments where it’s far more important to disappoint another person than it is yourself. Instead, I was taught, like many of us are, not to make a scene or “disrespect” adults so I didn’t. I betrayed myself instead. It wasn’t until my teen years that I learned the importance of listening to that still, small voice inside and that there was a way to tell the truth and still be respectful.
It’s called immediacy.
Immediacy is basically the practice of saying out loud what you feel in the moment (when appropriate) instead of hiding it or pretending to feel differently so you don’t upset someone else. The truth is that we can’t control the circumstances that will crop up in our lives and ask us to choose between betraying ourselves or betraying someone else. But when faced with that choice, especially when it comes to the sanctity of your body, you have every right to choose not to betray yourself.
When a friend pressures you to do something that you secretly don’t want to do, practice immediacy. Real friends, friends who want the best for you, will always respect your boundaries. The more you get used to ignoring your own inner boundaries, the further others will be able to push you past them and the more damage it will do.
It’s important to remember that there’s a healthy amount of caring about what others think and then there’s an amount of caring that has the power to silence your own voice. You should never value the thoughts and feelings of others to the point that you can’t speak up when you are uncomfortable. Anyone who shames you or responds negatively to a boundary like that is not relating in a healthy way. It’s almost like proof that the boundary really needs to be there.
Simple phrases like, “I’m not comfortable with this,” or “Not right now, thank you,” are perfect to practice in advance and have ready to use when you need them. Actually say them out loud, by yourself, and get used to them. If that feels difficult, try something shorter instead such as, “No,” or “You can, but I’m not going to.” The important thing is for your insides to match your outsides and immediacy is the path that will take you there.
Challenges/Points:
Immediacy is the practice of speaking what you feel in the moment, kindly but firmly.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you find this hard to practice. It takes time to be able to choose to possibly disappoint someone else instead of yourself.
When you do successfully practice immediacy, celebrate it! When you tell your step-dad that it scares you when he yells or when you tell a girl you don’t want her to touch you like that, you are saying publicly that your feelings matter. And they do.
Questions:
Have you been able to practice immediacy in the past? If not, how did it feel to do something that you really didn’t want to?
Is there a situation that crops up semi-regularly where you might be able to practice immediacy for the first time?
Who is someone you could talk to about this who might be able to encourage you and help give you courage to start trying it?
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