The Necessary No
Confession: I didn’t learn how to truly say “No” until I was well into adulthood. Oh I said no to the big things or easy things. When I was sick enough that I was actually feverish or throwing up for example. Or if someone tried to cross a boundary with me that was inappropriate, I had no problems saying no there. But what about a big family lunch that fell in the middle of an already packed weekend that I knew would push my energy limits beyond their max? Or how about when a friend invited me to do something that I didn’t really want to do? In those situations I always said yes… and regretted it the entire time.
I chose to value the feelings and wants of others more than my own. I repeatedly went to events, paid for dinners, and participated in activities that I secretly didn’t want to be a part of. My body usually reflected this truth back to me too either through exhaustion, headaches, or other forms of manifested stress. Not being able to say no meant I wasn’t actually able to rest. I teetered on the edge of burnout. It took a diagnosis in a member of our household for me to realize that we couldn’t continue like this. I had to learn to say no.
I’ll be honest: it wasn’t easy. But it was so much better. For the first time, I felt peace instead of anxiety because I was actually telling the truth. I wasn’t people pleasing, and yes, there was some backlash, but I’d already decided my health and the health of my family (physically and mentally) was worth it. I said no to some really big things – for example, a weeklong extended family vacation that would have meant likely missing the birth of my sister’s child – and some small things like regular get togethers with friends who weren’t truly there for me. I felt true, deep rest.
If you also find that saying “No” is difficult, one of the most helpful things you can learn is this: you are not responsible for the feelings of others. Is it your fault if your friend gets mad? No, that anger belongs to them. They may be responding to a choice you’ve made, but that anger is theirs to process. You don’t have to “fix it.” You can listen and be kind, but you are responsible for your feelings, and they are responsible for theirs.
To get in the habit of saying “No”, start with small things. Say no to the offer of a treat or a snack if it’s something you don’t actually want (obviously a “no thank you” is the polite way to do this). Say “No” when someone asks you to go to an event that would obviously overload your schedule. Work your way up. Don’t fall into the trap of giving excuses. You can explain if you want to, but you don’t have to. No is enough. Sometimes “No” is perfect (Gerst, 2017).
Reference: Gerst, A. (2017). Why saying no is important for a healthy life. Here’s how to actually do it. Mind Body Green Mindfulness. Retrieved from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-saying-no-is-necessary-for-good-health.
Challenges/Points:
Saying “No” can be difficult to do if we value the feelings and desires of others more than our own, but sometimes it is imperative in order for us to rest.
Remember that you aren’t responsible for the feelings of anyone else, only yourself. You don’t have to “fix” anything if someone is upset, but you can be kind and listen to them share their feelings if you want to.
Practice saying “No” to small things at first, like food, then work up from there.
Questions:
Do you find it easy or hard to say “No”?
What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever said “No” to?
Whose feelings and thoughts do you tend to value more, yours or others?
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