Ex-Step Etiquette
“Whenever I run into him unexpectedly somewhere, there’s this sudden pain. It’s like… it’s like suddenly seeing a part of myself that I lost and will never have again. Like my arm or leg. A real part of me that’s out there now... separate from me.”
I wrote that as part of a journal entry about my stepfather. Actually, to be more accurate, it was about my ex-stepfather since he and my mother had recently split the blended family I spent half of my childhood with. I was a mess of emotions. This wasn’t like the divorce of my biological parents that took place when I was ten. This was utterly different and frighteningly familiar all at once. In some ways, it was a million times worse. I didn’t lose any family members the first time. Not really. We lived with my mother and had a visitation schedule with my dad. I was always with my sisters. But this time? What was there to keep me connected to a stepfather or a stepbrother or a stepsister? What tie could possibly link us now that the one thing that did, the marriage, was broken?
I needed something that didn’t exist. I needed a manual on ex-step etiquette. Maybe you could use one too.
Here, in a nutshell, is everything I have learned about ex-step etiquette that I wish someone had been able to pass on to me.
You may be too young at the time of a divorce to decide who stays in your life, who you see and who you don’t, but you won’t be that age forever. You WILL be able to reconnect with any ex-stepfamily member you want someday.
Adults will feel the need to explain to their children why a relationship may have ended but sometimes the most loving thing an adult can do is spare you the details. If your parent is talking a lot of trash about their ex, try not to take it all in. Remind yourself that’s their experience, not yours.
Losing stepfamily members can sometimes hurt as much or worse than losing “real” family members. It has less to do with biology and more with the bond. Don’t feel guilty about whatever you are feeling. Your feelings are valid and deserve space to be heard.
Find a way to grieve what you have lost. Speaking to a therapist or writing out your feelings can be very helpful.
Know that at some point it doesn’t matter who somebody is or how they were once connected to you. If you want to have a relationship (and they want to have one as well), then go for it. Meet once a month for coffee. Text them on their birthday. Invite them to your own holiday gathering. Life is too short once you’re an adult not to have the people you love in it.
Challenges/Points:
In some ways, the divorce of a stepfamily is more complicated than the divorce of a biological family. There are legal requirements and visitation schedules that keep biological family members linked even after a divorce. That is not the case when it comes to stepfamily members.
It’s normal to feel deep grief and loss over the divorce of a stepfamily. What you will feel is in relation to the bond, not biology.
Even if you can’t pursue maintaining a relationship with an ex-stepfamily member now, someday you will be able to. It’s only a matter of time.
Questions:
Have you experienced the loss of stepfamily members?
Is there anyone you wish you could still have in your life? Could you talk to an adult about this person and see if a special circumstance could be created to allow that? If you are an adult, what can you do to continue or rekindle that relationship?
Have you allowed yourself to feel the grief of losing a relationship (at least for the time being) with people you knew and loved?
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