Stepping Out of Isolation
This past weekend I attended a conference. Admittedly, I didn’t know what it was about, but someone I was acquainted with was helping to put it on. I signed up and paid the $30 fee because I needed community. I’ve lived in my current town for five years and still have not made friends. I know people and have colleagues and acquaintances, but no one I can share my life with or meet-up for movies or dinner. This conference seemed like a great place to try and put myself out there to meet new friends.
Being a loner, I approached a table of a few people and asked if I might join them. They immediately welcomed me to a seat and disclosed that they, too, didn’t know anyone there that day. They had come to find some friends and community as well. As the conference began, I learned that was exactly what the event was all about. Community. Finding deeper relationships and friendships around us and the steps to take to do that. It was amazing.
But I was amazed further when speaker after speaker took the stage and told their story. They’d lived in this town for years and had struggled to form close relationships. They compared themselves to others, felt like the odd ones out, and believed they’d never measure up. In our table discussions, the same insecurities were shared. Whether it be from past life events that made them feel that way or social media comparison, every one of us had the same insecurities.
We learned that everyone is looking for that closer connection, the friendship that extends past a mere coffee date and into being able to really talk about the struggles in our lives. If you’re feeling this way, step out to be the first one to say hello. Get to know that person who is sitting alone or standing in the corner. We don’t always find the right group or person right away, but that’s no reason to quit trying. Building strong relationships takes time. By being the one to step up and make the “ask,” whether it's for a coffee date, dinner, playdate for your kids, or handing out after school, is a great way to get started on finding your people.
If you feel that you already have a close friend or two, that you have your community of people to support you, then try to be that for someone new. Not everyone is brave enough to take that first step. On the other side of that, we can’t wait for someone to make the first move either. The years and years that the people at this conference, and myself, felt so alone were because we kept waiting for someone else to extend the invitation.
Since that conference, the people I sat with at the table have been texting together. We planned to go to a local trivia night together, as well as meet up once a week to see how each other are doing. All because we learned that each of us were looking for community.
Challenges/Points:
The majority of us have the same insecurities and worries when it comes to meeting new people and seeking friendships.
Have you been waiting for someone else to invite you in, or are you looking for ways to get involved and build community?
Look at your current friendships under a magnifying glass and ask yourself if they are fulfilling - both for you and if you’re being a fulfilling friend to others. Specifically, ask yourself if you and your friends are able to talk about the hard stuff in life and support one another.
Questions:
Have you noticed at work, school, etc that person who seems to be alone? How can you step up and see if they need a friend?
If you feel like you’ve been waiting for someone else to invite you in, try to think of one group or person that you could extend an invitation to instead. How can you make the first step instead of waiting for others?
What is a moment in your life that defined how you see yourself in relation to community? Maybe it was a mean comment when you were young or that party you didn’t get invited to. How can you turn this around to make sure no one else has to feel that way?
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