Words in the Womb
I had a happy childhood but always carried an underlying sense of being unwanted. The constant message went as far back as my earliest memories. When I noticed the trend, I tried to trace memories backward and find an answer. That was like trying to unravel a massive knot of tangled string. Frustrated, I asked my mother for insight on the feeling, which I suspected was tied to early childhood.
She paused for a long time. Her eyes brimmed with tears as she quietly replied. “You came at a really bad time. Your dad was fired suddenly for something he didn’t do. Not that it mattered; they wanted to get rid of the position. He was home for months looking for a new job, and that was stressful for everyone. We ended up moving to a big city out of state without a house, family, plans, or a network of any kind. Your sister was really young, and it felt like she never slept. That’s when we found out I was pregnant. I mean, we were happy, of course…we were…but the timing wasn’t great.”
Ah, there it was. That made sense. I was wanted, but the timing was difficult. That added up. Scientific studies confirm that babies pick up on emotions their mothers are feeling, even before they are born. It seems likely that I internalized my mom’s stresses and had carried the residual feeling ever since. My mom didn’t want to admit there was a time she didn’t want me. She felt she was doing me a favor by never revealing those feelings, but the truth didn’t hurt me; it was helpful. When told in a kind, sincere way, the words let me easily work through the issue and let it go.
Yes, I’m lucky. The answer could have been a lot more hurtful and difficult to resolve, but many times in life, substantial pain does come from relatively simple things. Other times, as much as we want answers, we don’t get them. When that happens, it helps to imagine a bigger picture. This isn’t always easy. When we hurt, that ache feels like the only thing in the entire world that matters. Yet we need to try to look past the pain.
When I realized why I felt unwanted, it was easier to give grace to people in unrelated situations. Like my parents had been, maybe they were worn down, stressed about how they were going to pay bills, had difficult decisions to make, had been wronged by someone else. Would my response be any different from theirs if I was in the exact same spot? No.
If you’re dealing with something in the past that causes you pain, it can be helpful to find the truth and process the feelings. In the long run, the pursuit of healing can bring the peace you hope to find.
Challenges/Points:
Persistent feelings often have a legitimate cause, even if it isn’t what we suspected to find.
Early memories can be shaped even before we have any idea what they mean.
Processing old memories can give you a chance to see a bigger picture, understand your past more completely, and let go of pain.
Questions:
Is there something in your past that you don’t really understand, that has bothered you and impacted your actions for a long time?
Have you ever tried to figure out the root cause?
Do you think it could be shaped into a healing force that improves your life and helps you grow?
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