Deciding to Forgive
If you’re anything like me, if you plan to spend time journeying into the past, you better pack an ample supply of forgiveness. We will face pain as we travel through memories. We’ve all been wronged. We’ve all been hurt, and it affects us, often deeply, and often over a long period of time. But our journey gives us the chance to heal and grow stronger as we face the pain and choose forgiveness.
Just to clarify, I’m not saying that everything that happened to us should be painted over, forgotten, or laughed off. Not at all. If someone hurt you, especially if they intentionally abused you, that isn’t okay, and it should never be treated as such. We shouldn’t do anything to make it seem like those actions are okay or that we are willing to re-establish those same destructive relationship patterns. But forgiveness doesn’t mean giving someone a free pass to treat you any way they want. Forgiveness looks at a situation that already happened, looks it right in the eye and says, “You don’t control me anymore.” When you decide to forgive, you are the one who is set free.
My brother-in-law, who has plenty of reasons to harbor hate, once advised me, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies.” He didn’t forget about the unfairness, but he chose to forgive anyway. By forgiving, he refused to drink the poison. From that position of improved strength, he chose not to re-enter the places that beat him down.
I speak from experience when I say, forgiveness isn’t easy. When you think about it from a distance, it very much feels like losing. It seems like you are saying that what the person did to you is okay. But that’s not what forgiveness is. I can’t explain why it works, but forgiveness is a gift to the afflicted. It means cutting the strings that bind you to the situation where you were treated wrongly.
Here’s a little secret: I don’t usually mean it when I first decide to forgive a person, situation, or myself. I’ve often repeated the words “I forgive _______ for ________” for a long time before the words started to take any root. But they always do, and years have shown me that I must put in the effort. It is the only way. Running away doesn’t solve the problem. Distracting myself with new challenges doesn’t either. Trying to avoid the whole thing or change the narrative doesn’t work. If I don’t forgive, I’m the one who ends up poisoned. It is my choice.
I’ve seen utter transformation in my own life and in the lives of others when we made the decision to let go and forgive. It’s counterintuitive, but it is necessary. And it can be shocking how quickly and completely healing comes when we bravely take a leap into forgiveness.
Take a deep breath; you can do this.
Challenges/Points:
As we journey into the past, we need to be ready to forgive.
Forgiving doesn’t mean minimizing the situation or saying it was okay.
Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it cuts you free from situations that still hold you captive.
Questions:
Are there situations in your past that hold you captive? Have you tried forgiving?
Write down every situation you can think of where you have been hurt. How much does each affect you on a daily basis?
For one week, dedicate a few minutes every day to reflect on the list and repeat, “I forgive _______ for ________.” Does it change anything?
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