Codependency
“Codependence.” Whether you know it as the mental health buzzword of the past decade or are not familiar with it at all, it’s likely that several people you will be close to throughout your lifetime will struggle with it. You yourself may as well, but before we dive into what codependency is, let’s clear one thing up. We are all codependent to a certain degree. No one is truly an island and capable of sustaining themselves without any dependence on others, be it for relationships, food, clothing, or income. That said, healthy codependency is not what we are talking about here. What we are looking at is unhealthy codependency characterized by one person in a relationship consistently “rescuing” or “saving” the other.
According to Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., “Codependency is a problematic relationship orientation that involves the relinquishing of power and control to individuals who are either addicted or who are pathologically narcissistic. Codependents are habitually attracted to people who neither seem interested nor motivated to participate in mutual or reciprocal relationships” (Rosenberg, 2013).
I was 32 years old when I realized that unhealthy codependency was playing a major role in several of my relationships. There was one friend I had in particular whose life always seemed to be in a state of upheaval. We played our roles well. She would fill me in on the latest chaos to befall her (nothing was ever her fault, major red flag there), and I would do whatever I could to support her and save the day. Looking back on it, I can see how the friendship drew me in. It felt good to be needed, to feel like I could be her rock. But then the tides turned. Suddenly, I was the one dealing with an unexpected life situation that had me looking for support.
When I tried to talk to her about being there for me the way I had been there for her, our friendship completely crumbled. She wasn’t capable of supporting me, it only worked one way. I was devastated. Rather than play the role of the victim though, I decided to sit with it long enough to see how I had contributed to this. Where had I gone wrong? And that’s when the codependency became clear. I’d set myself up for this to happen. It wasn’t all her fault. I could learn from it and have healthier friendships in the future.
Signs of codependency can include constant people pleasing or always putting the feelings or thoughts of others before your own, a lack of boundaries, low self esteem, caretaking or rescuing, trouble identifying your own needs or wants, poor skills in communicating clearly and honestly, and high levels of relational stress.
If you think you may have a tendency toward codependency, one of the best things you can work on is learning to believe that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, or choices. The best relationships take turns supporting each other and that’s something we can always get on board with.
Reference: Rosenberg, R. (2013). The history of the term, codependency. PsychCentral. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/blog/human-magnets/2013/11/the-history-of-the-term-codependency#2.
Challenges/Points:
Codependency is when one person continually sacrifices themself for the other.
A few signs of codependency are always putting the feelings of others first, a lack of boundaries, low self esteem, and trouble identifying your own needs and wants.
If you have signs of codependency, I’d highly recommend reading articles or books on the subject. It takes time and work to unravel any unhealthy ways of relating.
Questions:
Are there any relationships in your life currently that you feel might be codependent?
Did any of the signs of codependency feel familiar to you?
What would it look like for you to change a codependent behavior in a relationship?
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