Family Secrets
When my father stopped speaking, the air in the room went still and changed completely at the exact same time. My entire world shifted. Like the final, lost puzzle piece being set down to complete the picture, I knew that what he had just revealed to us was true. Everything fit. All the edges, the shape, the clues, feelings, and impressions I’d picked up over the years. Finally, the story of my own family, my childhood, made horrible, clear sense. I’d just learned what was probably considered a huge family secret. I felt relieved and disgusted. Knowing was both freeing and frustrating. It was something I was going to have to sit with for a long, long time.
If you’ve ever had a similar experience, then you probably know what I’m talking about. Family secrets can have a powerful effect on us and seriously change the way we view people we love or ourselves. According to Psychology Today, there are three types of family secrets: individual, internal, and shared.
An individual secret is when any one family member keeps a secret from the other members of the family either out of fear or a desire to protect them from the consequences of their choices. This can look like a teenager hiding a romantic relationship or an adult trying to keep a gambling addiction hidden (Epstein, 2019). An internal family secret is one where a few family members know about the secret and agree to keep it from the rest of the family. An example of this might be one parent telling the children they plan to move out but asking them not to tell the other parent. These types of secrets create what is referred to as “split loyalty”. The family members who are let in on the secret feel like they have to now pick a side (Epstein, 2019). The final type of secret, a shared family secret, is where something is kept within the family limits for the perceived protection of the family. Some shared family secrets actually have the ability to increase closeness as they create a culture of shared experience. That said, they can also introduce pressure not to get too close to anyone outside of the family (Epstein, 2019).
Some secrets are healthy and necessary. Something like a serious diagnosis that a family member has just learned about shouldn’t really be considered a secret at all, even if the person has decided to keep it private for the time being. Each situation is unique but anything that creates anxiety, tension, or division isn’t going to be good for the family.
If you’ve stumbled upon a family secret or had one revealed to you, here are a few things to remember.
No one should try to control you. If you feel like you need to talk to someone outside the family about this for your own mental and emotional health, your family should support that.
Unless you are the one keeping the secret, this isn’t your fault.
Whatever you are feeling is okay. Your feelings are valid and real.
It’s okay to ask for space from family members while you sort things out.
If you’ve been hurt by the family secret, then you deserve an apology and to have that hurt acknowledged by the person who caused it.
Reference: Epstein, S. (2019). 3 types of family secrets and how they drive families apart. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/201901/3-types-family-secrets-and-how-they-drive-families-apart.
Challenges/Points:
Family secrets can tear family members apart and cause a lot of emotional damage.
There are three types of family secrets: individual, internal, and shared.
Whatever you feel after learning a family secret is valid. Give yourself plenty of time to process it.
Questions:
Does your family have any shared secrets or do you feel like there may be internal or individual secrets that no one is talking about?
If you’ve learned about a big family secret, how did it feel?
How do you treat secrets in your own life? Are you a secretive person or an open person?
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