Visitation Schedules
If there was one place I spent a LOT of time in my pre-teen and teen years, it was the car. Yes, the car, but not on my way to vacations, exciting new places, restaurants, or even friend’s houses (all that much). No, I passed countless hours traveling between my parents’ homes. After my father and mother divorced, they each remarried and, regretfully, relocated to completely opposite sides of town. My father lived almost as far north as one could and still have a zip code in the city. My mother, on the other hand, lived far enough south that her zip code was definitely not within the city limits. It took at least 25 minutes to get from one home to the other, sometimes longer, depending on the traffic.
And then there were all the missed events and opportunities. It is much, much harder to commit to extracurriculars or even birthday parties that happen to fall on the weekend you’re spending with your dad. Why? Well for starters, there’s the guilt. You already know that one of your parents is getting significantly less time with you than they wish they had. Anything (and I mean, anything) you want to do during that scheduled time means less time with them. Then there’s the agreement to handle transportation if you aren’t capable of driving yourself yet. And if something is going to cost money? Forget about it. It’s almost never worth the argument about it that’ll catch you in the middle.
I really hope you can’t relate to what I’ve shared there but if you can, I’m going to give you a few pointers that might help you get through the same hard times.
You should never have to play messenger for your parents. If one parent asks or tells you to tell the other parent something, it’s completely acceptable for you to say that you are uncomfortable with that. You’re already in the middle enough. Parents should never use their children as communication tools instead of communicating directly with one another.
Acknowledge how exhausting it is to pack a bag and regularly switch houses. In the book “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce,” there’s a study referenced where divorced parents were asked to let the children stay in one, stable home while they took turns coming to live in the house with the kids. Guess how that turned out? The adults wouldn’t continue doing it. They said it was too hard. That one still gets me! Whatever you need (that’s healthy) to help you cope with the constant switching, lean on that. Maybe it’s calling a specific friend, asking to have your own room, or getting extra movie watching privileges. I highly recommend comedies!
Remember this is only for a season. Before you know it, you’ll be old enough that you’ll have more power in deciding where you spend your time. This can also come with its own weight as choosing not to keep the visitation schedule will mean you see less of at least one of your parents if not both. Try to remember to choose yourself and not fall into the pressure of choosing one parent over the other.
Challenges/Points:
Managing a visitation schedule where you live in two separate places can be really, really hard.
Don’t put yourself in the middle and try to resist if one or both of your parents does.
Find healthy things that help make it feel more manageable and use those things consistently.
Questions:
If you split time between houses, what is the hardest part for you?
How can you show up more for a friend who deals with a visitation schedule?
Is there anything you need to ask your parents to stop doing that puts you in the middle?
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