Parents' Divorce
The relationships we see around us can shape and change us, especially at a young age. We look up to our parents for several years, and the relationship between our parents may be the one we observe and analyze the most. Do they love each other first and their kids second? Do they try to hide arguments or have full blown yelling fights in the kitchen? Were they openly affectionate with each other or did they never touch in front of you? Family dynamics can be difficult, especially if your parents divorced during your childhood.
There are several long-term effects of parents’ divorce. For one, children may recover pretty quickly after the divorce as they push the hard away, but then emotions and struggles resurface later in life. This delayed response is known as the “sleeper effect” (Matthews, 1998). This occurs in many other traumatic experiences that could occur during childhood like abuse or sexual assault. One study did a followup 5 years after a divorce and found that there was still anger at the parent who initiated the divorce, longing for the parent who was around the least, and the desire to reconnect the family. Over ⅓ of the sample had a degree of clinical depression (Matthews, 1998).
A 10-year followup was done with the same group, and there was still sorrow over the terminated relationship. Most of the young adults felt that the decision had been a wise one; however, they were still critical of the way the marriage was handled. They reported poorer physical health than those who were in intact families (Matthews, 1998). There were consistent problems with feelings of fear of abandonment and loss and increased anxiety in late teen and young adult years. Lots of anger, resentment, and depression is common. Parents’ divorce can also affect future relationships like having a harder time building and maintaining healthy friendships and relationships (Matthews, 1998).
So that’s a whole lot of negative. What do you do when you’re experiencing some of these effects? First, remember and understand that it wasn’t your fault. If you’re having any of these feelings, work on trying to be kind to yourself and changing that thought process. Also, don’t let yourself become the mediator or in-between messenger for your parents. This can be confusing and unhealthy. Let your parents figure out how to communicate with each other (Dealing with your Parents’ Divorce as a Teenager, n.d.). As hard as it may be, keep your parents aware of how you’re feeling. You can also talk to some friends about what’s going on. They may know exactly how you’re feeling or help you find healthy ways to cope. Finally, if possible, get involved with therapy. Counselors can be so helpful with drawing out emotions and processing them, as well as finding coping mechanisms (Dealing with your Parents’ Divorce as a Teenager, n.d.). Divorce may have long-term effects, but that doesn’t mean you can’t heal.
References:
Matthews, D. (1998). Long Term Effects of Divorce on Children. North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service. Retrieved from https://www.carneyandgood.com/uploads/1435155507_long-term-effects-of-divorce-on-children.pdf.
Dealing with your Parents’ Divorce as a Teenager. (n.d). Our Family Wizard. Retrieved from https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/dealing-your-parents-divorce-teenager.
Challenges/Points:
Parents’ divorce can cause an increased risk of anxiety and depression, affect how you deal with relationships, and cause anger.
Divorce can affect you for several years after it happens.
Being kind to yourself, talking to your parents and friends, and seeking out an professional are all good ways to heal.
Questions:
Do you have divorced parents?
How you felt any of the aforementioned effects of a divorce?
Have you sought counseling before?
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