Only So Many Seats on the Train
“There are only so many seats on the train with you Lauren,” my friend says to me as I sip my drink across from him. “And either we’re intentional about who we give those seats to or… we’re not.” He takes a few swallows of his own beverage while I contemplate what’s just been said. He’s right. I know that. I can feel it in my bones. What he’s referring to is meaningful, close relationships. That inner circle of friends and/or family who are your tribe, your safe place, your people.
Or at least, they should be. But the fact is that when he tells me this, I know that there are definitely people on MY train who are less interested in what’s best for me and more interested in being where they want to be. It takes time, but eventually, I also realize that there are people standing on this metaphorical train station platform who I want to have on the train with me. I want them to know about what matters, to see them more regularly, to have them in my corner if they’re willing. But there isn’t any more space on the train… unless I make some. So I quietly pull back from a few relationships. I have a couple hard conversations where I’m up front about the shift. Not everybody is happy about it. But you know what’s even crazier? In the midst of making these changes, I realized something.
I haven’t had a seat on my own train. Ever. I’ve played hostess to everyone, run myself ragged with nowhere to sit or rest in my own life as I ran from relationship to relationship trying to give everyone what they wanted from me. That’s no way to live, let me tell you.
In a theory developed by British anthropologist Robin Dunbar, as humans, we are thought to be capable of maintaining a maximum of 150 meaningful connections. Dunbar based his research on the social behavior of primates and the correlation between the size of the neocortex - the section of the brain linked to communication - and the size of a cohesive group. That isn’t the only number he has a theory on though (BBC Future).
“According to the theory, the tightest circle has just five people – loved ones. That’s followed by successive layers of 15 (good friends), 50 (friends), 150 (meaningful contacts), 500 (acquaintances) and 1500 (people you can recognise). People migrate in and out of these layers, but the idea is that space has to be carved out for any new entrants” (BBC Future).
This is exactly what my friend was trying to tell me. I think he’s right. There were people I was sad to usher out of my train. I wished they could stay but maybe they hadn’t seen me when I was right in front of them or maybe they’d actually hurt me, repeatedly, without any remorse. Today my train is full of people I adore and whom I’d feel safe telling anything. Yours should be too.
Reference: Dunbar’s number: Why we can only maintain 150 relationships. (n.d.). BBC Future. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20191001-dunbars-number-why-we-can-only-maintain-150-relationships.
Challenges/Points:
“Dunbar’s Number” refers to the theory of Robin Dunbar that a human can only maintain 150 meaningful connections at a time with five of those being extremely close loved ones and 15 being very good friends.
Another way to refer to this is with the phrase, “There are only so many seats on the train.”
If we aren’t deliberate about who gets to be part of our inner circle, who has a seat on our train, we may find ourselves surrounded by people who use us, abuse us, or don’t even leave a seat for us.
Questions:
Do you agree with Dunbar’s theory?
Who is on your train right now? Is there anyone you wish wasn’t on your train?
Who would you like to have on your train who isn’t? How can you build more of a meaningful connection with that person?
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