Consent
When I was a child, I sometimes had a specific nightmare over and over again. I’d be in the backseat of a car that was going somewhere but I didn’t know where. The worst part of the dream always happened when I’d lean forward to try to ask the driver where we were going. There was never anyone in the driver’s seat. I’d watch the wheel turning this way and that, realize the doors were all locked, and feel terrified by the reality that there was no one in the car I could ask to stop. What scared me most was that I wasn’t in control and there wasn’t anyone there to listen to me or do anything about it.
I think the fear I remember feeling from those dreams is akin to the fear we tend to feel when our voices are not respected, especially when it comes to circumstances involving consent. As human beings, we all deserve to be listened to (and in no area more than when it comes to our own bodies), but when we’re children, we are often pushed or encouraged to do things physically that we may not actually want to. Well meaning family members tell us to come give them a hug instead of asking us if they can give us one. In some family dynamics, pinching and smacking and pushing is normalized. But none of this respects you, the person on the receiving end of those exchanges.
Consent starts small. Yes, we typically use the word to refer to asking and/or giving a clear response regarding sex, but learning about consent doesn’t start there. It begins with understanding that your body is yours and yours alone. No one should ever do anything to it that you aren’t completely comfortable with. Ever. Even medical professionals should explain what they are going to do during an exam or ask if you are comfortable with something before they proceed. Consent can also apply to any type of physical contact like holding hands or kissing. Taking the time to ask shows that you really care about the person you are with.
As for sex, it should never, ever occur without the clear consent of both individuals. If someone starts to get physical with you and doesn’t ask if you want to proceed, that’s not okay. The same goes for you. Don’t just assume because someone is kissing you back that they really want to go further. Also, here’s a really important point: consent has to be given freely and clearly without any outside influence. You can’t do that if you’re drunk or high. If you’ve been drinking or messing around with substances, then your normal ability to make decisions may be impaired. Likewise, it’s a good policy to just not engage in sexual activity with someone else who is under the influence of anything. Sexual activity with someone who can’t give full consent is the equivalent of sexual assault or rape.
If you’ve experienced a circumstance where consent wasn’t given or asked for, that’s not okay. We need to respect each other deeply and one of the ways we can practice that is with consent.
Challenges/Points:
Your body is yours and yours alone. Only you should get to decide what type of contact you are comfortable with.
Consent starts small, it isn’t just about sex. Demanding hugs or pinching/pushing/smacking are subtle ways of interacting physically that ignore your right to consent.
Anytime you say “No,” or express not wanting to do something physically, you deserve to be listened to immediately and fully without ANY pressure.
Questions:
Were you taught about consent as a child?
Do you feel like most of the people in your life right now respect your body as your own?
Have you experienced a situation where you didn’t ask for consent before doing something or had something done to you without consent being asked?
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